I got word on Monday that my pregnancy was officially non-viable. Much to my dismay, they couldn’t schedule a D & C procedure until Friday. I started spotting yesterday, though, so perhaps I will miscarry naturally before the procedure. Or maybe not. More waiting.
While I wait, I’ve been eating a lot of Doritos. You know, grazing from a family size bag that has been open since Lettie’s birthday party in July. Amazingly, they are still not stale! The miracle of preservatives, my friends. Two nights ago I had Doritos and a half a piece of chicken for dinner. Last night, Doritos and one sliced-up bell pepper. Tonight? The possibilities are endless. A Dorito sandwich, perhaps?
Also while waiting, I named the baby. Tim and I named him Gabriel, which means “God’s able-bodied one” or “God is my strength.” Mostly, we just like the name, but the meaning is lovely. It’s a nice thought to picture baby Gabriel chilling with the Grand Creator, or maybe floating like a light through the universe, making it a brighter place. Of course we can’t say for sure if the baby was a boy, but I believe that it was.
I’ll likely never know why this happened, at least not in this lifetime. I will make peace with that at some point.
But not right now. Right now the only thing to do is to go through it.