Confessions of a Pregnant Blogger

Wanna know why this blog has been so infrequent and lackluster lately?

It’s because I am a horrible liar. Always have been.

The truth is, I am 14 weeks pregnant!

I didn’t feel comfortable sharing the news until we heard a heartbeat (which we did on Wednesday: amazing!), hence the slew of random, totally-non-fertility-related blog posts. It definitely felt weird not to share it with you guys right away, since I’ve shared every step with you up until this point.

But holy crap, can you believe it? I kind of still can’t. Every day I am amazed that I got this lucky. Everything I’ve been wishing and praying for: granted. I feel elated and blessed and terrified all at once.

Since I posted about my last visit with the doctor, you’re probably wondering how the pregnancy happened and if I went the fertility treatment route. The crazy thing is, when I wrote that post, I was actually pregnant but didn’t know it yet. In an amazing turn of events, I never had to make a decision about whether or not to try fertility treatments. The decision was made for me by the tiny baby I am now carrying. I am still in disbelief that it turned out this way. And I am grateful every single day.

Thank you all so much for your support on my babymaking journey. I appreciate it more than I could ever say. Seriously, you guys are awesome. I hope you will stick with me on the next phase of my story.

And if you are still in the babymaking trenches, please know that I understand if you want to step away from this blog for a while. But also please know that I am thinking about you and caring for you and hurting with you and most of all, hoping for you. Fervently. Even if you stop reading, I will not stop praying for you and fighting for you.

How am I feeling? Physically, much better. I had some decent bouts of nausea for a while there, but they seem to be subsiding. How am I feeling mentally? Well, that’s a different story. You all know I struggle with anxiety, so this pregnancy has been one of my biggest challenges yet. I am trying hard to appreciate each day and not worry about the future and all of the things that could go wrong. But let me tell you, it has been a struggle. I often find myself thinking, “How could this wonderful thing possibly be real? How can it last?”

So as a big eff-you to anxiety, I’d like to end this post with a quote from my favorite movie of all time, Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory:

Willy Wonka: “Charlie, don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.”

Charlie: “What happened?”

Willy Wonka: “He lived happily ever after.”

Get Out Of Town

Beautiful Vermont, the home of my heart.

Tim and I drove to Vermont on Saturday to stay at the inn where we got married. We could not have asked for a sweeter fall weekend. Leaves were at their peak of color, pumpkins and mums dotted every windowsill and doorway, and the sky was the most brilliant shade of cloudless blue.

We stopped at a country store:

We rode bikes:

We discovered a secret apple orchard in the woods:

We pretended to play tennis:

We even watched It’s A Wonderful Life:

But still. Even with all of that awesomeness, it was a bittersweet weekend. The last time we were at the inn we experienced crazy amounts of joy. And while there are still plenty of things to be joyful about, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast between then and now.

I still thought about my mom all weekend. I still obsessed about the fact that I hadn’t ovulated yet this cycle. I still worried about a lot of things. The cares of my daily life were there, but they were muted just enough to allow me to enjoy the scenery and appreciate my time with Tim.

One of the last things we did before leaving was to trek out to the meadow where we held our wedding ceremony.

Hurricane Irene gave Vermont a serious beat-down, so much of the land around the inn was damaged. The bridge leading to the meadow was gone, forcing us to take a roundabout route.

It wasn’t much of a meadow anymore, but it was still there.

So we stood on the approximate spot where we tied the knot last August and said our vows to each other again.

And although our one-year anniversary has come and gone, I’d like to raise a cranberry and club soda in toast. A toast to another 50 years of marriage. A toast to the hope that most of those years will be less bumpy than the first. A toast to the wild, wonderful children we will have. And, finally, a toast to my mom, who will love the crap out of those crazy-ass children for many years to come.


The Vows:
I will make you laugh when you’re sad.
I will take care of you when you’re sick.
I will support your dreams.
I will be your lifelong teammate, yet never lose sight of your individuality.
I will be the ear that listens to you, the shoulder you cry on.
I will be a stable force in your life, your shelter from the world.
I will always be kind.
I will be loyal, faithful and true.
I will love you to the end of this life and beyond.
Because of you, I am the luckiest person on earth.