IVF #1: Peace Be With Me

Just a quick update to let you all know that things are going smoothly. I went to my ultrasound yesterday and the doctor said that “everything looks lovely.” I had a good number of follicles growing, and the mysterious cyst/larger follicle had only grown about a millimeter. Last night, I took the same dose of my meds as usual, but tonight I’ll be upping my Menopur dose and adding in Ganirelix. Real-life peeps: Ganirelix is used to ensure that I don’t ovulate before the egg retrieval. Aren’t the med names so futuristic? I can barely spell them. In fact, I probably did spell at least one incorrectly.

My abdomen is starting to bruise from the injections so that makes for some slightly uncomfortable pants-wearing. I’ve switched to leggings for the foreseeable future. I’m still having mild headaches, but the moodiness has subsided for now. A weird thing I didn’t expect is that I think the drugs are messing with my appetite—as in, I don’t really have one right now. I’m not complaining, I just assumed my appetite would be raging since weight gain during IVF seems universal. But I guess that weight gain is probably more due to fluid retention and carrying around, like, twenty monster follicles in your ovaries rather than inhaling a bunch of food.

At brunch this morning a friend asked me if I was feeling positive about the outcome of this cycle. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. I’m not feeling negative per se, but I certainly don’t have a crazy gut feeling that this cycle will work. I’m more or less just trying to get through each injection, each ultrasound and each phone call from the nurse without getting too far ahead of myself. On the one hand, there’s no reason why it couldn’t work. On the other hand, it’s near impossible for me to actually imagine getting a positive pregnancy test since it’s been so long since I’ve seen one.

Should I be more positive? Maybe. But I’m trying to be gentle with myself and just feel how I feel.

I set an intention at the beginning of this process that I was going to let go and surrender, and shockingly I have more or less done that. That’s not to say there haven’t been minor setbacks, but so far, so good. If I can keep this up through the end of the cycle I will be thrilled.

I feel calm. I am at peace. For now, that is enough.

IVF #1: Pick A Mood, Any Mood

Look at me, I’ve got four nights of injections under my belt (pun intended). Boom! So far, so good.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty smug. I walked around my office all morning thinking, Huh, maybe I’ll just be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have any side effects.

Not twenty minutes later I’m sitting at my computer crying. I can’t even remember what it was that made me tear up, but it was likely a meeting request or something else completely mundane. I was like, Why the hell am I crying right now? Ohhhhhhh. Yeah.

Then, at lunch I ran into a co-worker I’m friendly with. She gave me a big, genuine smile and a wave. I smiled back, but in my head I literally growled at her. I actually thought, Grrrrrrr. She gave me no cause to growl. I was just randomly pissed.

Later that afternoon, I became euphoric, talking to my friend in the mailroom, chatting a mile a minute and laughing like a maniac.

I couldn’t keep up with myself.

For reals, though, it could be so much worse. I’ve had some mild headaches and am definitely bloated, but overall I feel fine. My doctor said low-impact exercise was ok so I went to a yoga class this evening. It felt great!

In other news, during my ultrasound yesterday, my doctor saw either a) a follicle larger than all the other follicles or b) the re-emergence of my cyst. She couldn’t tell which it was without comparing that scan to past ultrasounds. Neither one of those things sounds very good to me, but she seemed to think either option was no big deal. I do trust her, so I’m trying to adopt her blasé attitude. Fingers crossed that neither cyst nor larger-than-its-buddies follicle messes stuff up.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow. I shall report back.