8 Week Ultrasound Update

Just a quick post to give you the deets on Friday’s ultrasound.

Baby A was looking good! measuring on track with a heart rate of 166. Yay, Baby A! We could see his or her arms, legs and even a tiny spine. It’s kind of amazing how much growth there was in just one week.

Baby B had not grown at all in a week, which means he or she is ultimately not going to make it. Strangely, there was still a faint heartbeat present. Needless to say, it was rough watching that little embryo trying to hang on, fighting a losing battle.

All in all, though. I’m ok about it. Yes, it is another impending loss, which is never easy. But I still have one healthy baby going strong and I am beyond grateful for that. Also, I was really nervous about a twin pregnancy and all the risks that go with it. I already have enough anxiety as it is without adding Twin Mania on top of it. So while I would’ve been thrilled with two healthy babies, part of me is also relieved to not have to worry about the additional risks that blessing would’ve brought.

My next ultrasound is on Friday again and I’m really nervous. I’ll be nine weeks. When I went on my ill-fated google fest a couple of weeks ago I read about a lot of people miscarrying at nine weeks, plus I know of some other bloggers who have miscarried at that time. So that week just feels ominous to me. Also still haunting me from my googling binge are the heart rate fears. Baby’s heart rates have been fine since 6 weeks, but I still feel sketched about it.

I’m still scared every single day, you guys. Grateful as hell, but terrified. There seem to be so many more hurdles left to get through. One of the biggest being, is this baby genetically normal?  I likely can’t do the non-invasive first trimester blood tests because there’s a chance the twin could throw off the result. And I refuse to do any invasive testing (amnio, CVS) — I’m not down with the risk of miscarriage that goes along with them. I don’t care how small it is. So we may not know until our 20 week scan (or longer) if the baby is genetically normal. I know this is how our moms did it, but it seems crazy to me. Oh, and we also need to make it to 20 weeks to even have that ultrasound to even find out about genetic anything. Hurdle 7,654. Need to get my track shorts on, stat.

Other than the physical symptoms like nausea, this pregnancy doesn’t feel quite real to me. Like, how could this actually be happening to me? How could I possibly be lucky enough to bring a baby home in 8 months? I’m trying to believe. I want so much to rise above the fear and just have confidence that this little miracle is here to stay. I want to be brave for him or her. But, crap, it’s really, really hard.

50 thoughts on “8 Week Ultrasound Update

  1. My friend, im not going to lie you may falter at some hurdles along the way, but you can do this! And when you bang your knees on a hurdle, I (and many others) will be here to help pick you back up. We will be your army of support, helping through each and every hurdle! Sending you love my friend, and on your bad days remember your army and reach out so we can cheer you on!!

  2. Ha funny timing, I just sent to an email! These early weeks are so freaking hard. I have only just started to relax into this pregnancy now and I am 11 weeks. And even then I’m not totally relaxed. Saw Bub today but will see her again tomorrow at OB rooms and can’t wait as thought the heartbeat sounded weird at my scan today. Just call me paranoid. But I promise it does get easier. I was wondering about the NIPT with two on board. That sucks 😦 And I am so sorry you have to go through losing another baby. Even though you knew Baby B was weak and even though you have a healthy Baby A it is still a loss and is so totally sad and traumatic for you. I think of you often. Not long now and we will be in the 2nd trimester together xxx

    1. It’s so weird. I feel so torn about Baby B. I mean, if his or her role was to help her sibling, then that’s great. But like you said, it’s still a loss. What a mind f*ck, really.

  3. My beautiful friend- this is your baby you get to keep growing and hold in your arms. I will be here keeping the faith for you every step along the way. Xo

  4. It is not merely hard to have faith, be brave, trust it will turn out as it should. It is impossible. I get the fear, my friend. I’ve been thinking of you often the last couple of days and meant to email you last night but toddler hell struck and well… Didn’t happen. I’m going to do that next though. I’m sorry about baby B. Every week in the first and second trimester scared the crap out of me so I’m lending you whatever strength and endurance I have left right now. And buckets of love and gentleness are already en route.

    1. It makes me feel better just “hearing” you say that it’s impossible. Perhaps I should give myself a break every now and let the fear ride sometimes. I just emailed you back, btw. Thinking of you you!

  5. I am happy to hear baby A is doing so well, so sad for baby B but I know that the risks lessen with a singleton so baby B is giving his/her sibling the chance to fully thrive. It is hard to find the words, I can not imagine being in the situation you are in. You are and I already knew, a strong and brave woman. Reaching each milestone has a run up of stress, but you can do this. I get the nine weeks thing as this is probably the time my baby passed (though I found out later) BUT I was told (ok by Dr Google I admit it) that this could be because of a blood clotting issue effecting the placenta….so you are taking all the meds which lessens the chance of it happening! You are being looked after in a way that you are not with a ‘natural pregnancy’. I hope that reassures you but I think we will worry all the way through given our history right? Take joy at each milestone and grab on to all the precious moments. I am looking forward to sharing the joys and hearing all about the precious moment you hold that baby in your arms. xo

  6. Good for you! I’m glad that you can remain positive in what must be really difficult circumstances. I’m really holding out for your baby in a few months!

  7. Firstly, amazing news about the heartbeat. 166 at 8 weeks is brilliant – a really, really positive sign. Your chances of success at this point are going up by the day. I am so sorry to hear about baby B – it must have been heartbreaking to see that little flicker still going on screen. I would have cried and cried. Even though twins is riskier and harder and all those things, it’s still hard to accept – I think you show incredible braveness and positivity in this post. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the nerves and the fears. Every single day of my first trimester was spent alternating between fear, and awe, and every time we reached a week where we had lost a baby before (5,6,7,9,10) I would get tearful, anxious, be unable to sleep and be basically a nightmare to live with. I know how each day must feel to you and I am sending you happy thoughts and hoping you can get through it smoothly. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride where you can, even if it’s just the odd moment. You are doing brilliantly 🙂 xxx

    1. Thank you so much, Faye. I hate that you felt the same, but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. And you got through it and look at you now — a mama to your beautiful miracle girl!

  8. I think you’re doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I think if you break each hurdle into bite size chunks instead of stressing about stuff like genetic scans at 20 weeks, it’ll make it easier. Easier said than done of course. But I’ll be keeping the faith that you’ll have at least one new little baby in your arms in 2016. I’m so very happy for you. xx

    1. I posted early :/. I meant to continue:

      I feel like every week is a hurdle still for me. I’m frightened still at 32 weeks. I’m so excited, feel fortunate and thankful.. But every appointment scares me. I always hope our baby’s heartbeat is still strong.

      Hopefully Baby B will pull through. It’s so scary and sad to hear about baby B. Sending you a huge hug and I can’t wait to read more of your journey. And I hope the journey is full of great moments.

  9. Remind yourself that the chance of m/c after hearing a strong heartbeat right now is < 5%, so your chances are REALLY good right now for Baby A. This is wonderful!

    We never did any genetic testing – never occurred to me for some reason. Why is it something you are worried about? (seriously curious!) Do you have a family history or something?

    It's okay to be afraid – we are all here to support you every step of the way!

    1. 2 years ago exactly, we got out +with Dr. B and u will not lie -u was worried every single day because I had suffered from losses before. Only when we reached 24 weeks, I was a bit more relaxed, but still I was haunted by fear thst something might go wrong. The truth is, you stop worrying only when they give you a child into your arms and you see him being healthy and well.
      We did do the genetic testing, but not because of the age. I was 33 at that time. The reason was because of the husband ‘s morphology and really, we had a few blastocysts that had complex abnormalities. Fortunately, we got 3 healthy embryos out of which 1 baby was born:).
      I wish you a successful and uneventful rest of the pregnancy!

    2. Thank you for the reassurance! I am worried about genetic testing for two reasons: 1) I’m 38 and therefore have a higher chance of a genetic abnormality based on my age alone. 2) I have an egg quality issue/diminished ovarian reserve, and that typically means that a lot of the eggs are genetically abnormal. Hopefully this little miracle doesn’t give a crap about any of that, though! 🙂

  10. Omg I feel the same exact way!! I just found out we’re having twins. And it’s double the worry. I can’t see past December yet, though my husband feels very confident. I’ll be 7 weeks (wow!) on Saturday. I think it’s sort of normal after a loss to really take it slow. I wake up in fear every morning waiting to see signs. And when I don’t I tell the Lord thank you for another day.

  11. Hang in there sweetie!! I hope as you get further along it will be enjoyable for you, also I’m sorry about little baby b…it has got to be such a mixture of emotions for you right now! Sending you a huge cyber hug.

  12. I feel so sad to hear how scared you are. I am going to put a parental control on Google. Please remember the positives when you begin to slide down that slope to fear. Healthy! Good heartbeat! Arms! Legs! I saw them myself. Dr. B told you the heartrate was fine. Believe him. Please. I am sending you all my positive vibes every minute I think of you. Love you.

  13. I am so happy that you updated us, and so excited that Baby A is growing as he/she should! Maybe you should just give yourself space to freak out for a while – like just wallow for 90 minutes and consider all the terrible possibilities and cry and wring your hands. And then after that hour or day or whatever, tell yourself you are done worrying and going down the negative paths, because you already let yourself have the panic party? I don’t know, but it seems like you may need to freak in some form so maybe you could channel it into that space and then be done with it until the next stage.

  14. I’m so glad Baby A is looking wonderful! and I’m praying for you that Baby B becomes your little miracle baby. Oy, early pregnancy is so rough, huh? I know you’re. So scared and I pray you get some peace of mind at your next appointment. *hugs*

  15. Oops… I didn’t mean to post yet.

    Anyway, I always thought if I got through one pregnancy without complications, future pregnancies would come more easily and be less anxiety filled. Ha! Not only was my pregnancy riddled with complications but I haven’t been able to get pregnant again, yet. I can only imagine how bad my anxiety will be if/when it happens again. Hang in there. One day, one hour at a time.

    Also, regarding your last post, my RE strongly believes in the helper embryo theory. This is what is behind her recommendation to transfer 2 embryos whenever possible. Interestingly, her twin rate is not any higher than that of another local RE who prefers to do SETs.

    1. Thank you! The ultrasound did go well. PHEW. And thank you for sharing what your RE said about the helper embryo. That’s really interesting that her twin rate is not any higher. Helper embryos for the win! I love that.

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