I Will Not Let Fear Win

Hi, guys. I’m sorry about the whole disappearing act. It’s been a weird couple of weeks.

First of all, let me clear the air and tell you that I’m pregnant! My first beta was 910 (for those of you that geek out on this stuff like me). I didn’t have another beta for five days, and I told them only to let me know if there was a problem. I did not want to spend needless hours analyzing or worrying about anything, so I don’t have a second number to report.

One of the reasons I didn’t let you know before now is that my blog is not anonymous, and I definitely felt too fragile to announce it to, like, anyone I know who may be reading. I’m still not ready to announce it to the General World and won’t be for a long while, so if you know me in real life, please keep it on the low. Thanks, love you!

The other reason is fear.

I had a few days to just be like, “yay!” And then things started getting weird. First there was our 5 weeks ultrasound. They saw one gestational sac with a yolk sac. And one gestational sac that was measuring two days behind with nothing in it. The doctor said it could go either way at this point. The smaller sac could grow, or it wouldn’t develop and would be reabsorbed into my body. Ok. I was absolutely thrilled that the one looked as it should, but I was also worried about the other one. Eventually, I made my peace and decided that things would work out as they were meant to. In great news, both embryos implanted exactly where they were meant to in my uterus this time. Phew.

Then two days, later I started bleeding. My doctor warned me that I might have some brown spotting because the twins are stacked on top of each other like sardines. “It’s like a construction zone in there,” he said. But this was not brown, it was bright red. It wasn’t a ton, but certainly enough to freak me out. I think Tim and I were both having flashbacks to my last pregnancy. I figured I had a blood clot in my uterus, just like last time. Tim and I were both angry. I threw the picture of my embryos across the room (sorry, embryos, I still feel bad about that). I went to bed expecting to wake up in the middle of the night soaked in blood. It didn’t happen, but I still had some light bleeding in the morning. I called my clinic and they told me to come in.

I went in fully expecting them to tell me that I was at least losing the smaller twin. But no. The smaller twin had grown and now had a yolk sac. They didn’t see a blood clot in my uterus. They said the bleeding could be because my progesterone was low. People, my progesterone was 6.5. I’m pretty sure your period starts when your progesterone drops below 5. The thing about this is that my clinic knew about this number on Friday, but did nothing about it. Only after the bleeding did they up my dose. I was furious. My number is up to 23 now, by the way, after the dose increase, so we are good there. Anyway, the second reason they gave was that the babies could just be burrowing in and irritating everything. The doctor put me on bed rest for five days, told me to work from home and sent me on my way.

I continued to spot until yesterday. I went to bed every night wondering if I would wake up covered in blood. I will probably wonder that tonight as well, and I don’t even know for how long. To say this week has been hard has been an understatement. Being alone in my house all day, with nothing to do but think, did a number on me. Whenever I would do something simple like go downstairs and heat up my lunch, the spotting would start again. I was terrified to move. I was terrified to go to the bathroom. I was terrified to do anything.

Also, during the last two weeks, I developed what I thought was a UTI. I went to Urgent Care, they agreed probably a UTI. I took the full course of antibiotics and then they called to tell me that my culture actually came back from the lab negative. I am having an intense burning pain in my pelvis. It’s so bad that it sometimes keeps me awake. I followed up with my GP. She said maybe it’s bacterial vaginosis. She suggested just treating it in case it is, but that doesn’t sit well with me. I’m seeing doctor Braverman in two days, so I will ask him to advise me then. Hopefully he’ll have some insight. I’m scared that whatever it is triggering my immune response and will harm my babies. You see a common theme here?

Fear.

Yesterday I went back to my clinic for a follow-up ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 1 day. The tech first checked out what I assume was the smaller twin. There was a yolk sac still and what she said looked like the beginning of a fetal pole. But no heartbeat. She said, “We’ll just have to see what happens with that one.” My heart sank.

Then she zoomed in on the other sac, and there it was: a glorious heartbeat. A heartbeat! You guys, I have never let out a bigger sigh of relief in my life. I cried. The heartbeat couldn’t be measured yet, but she said that’s normal for this early.

Basically, our smaller embryo has a 50/50 shot at pulling through. The nurse said you can start seeing the heartbeat anywhere from day 29 to day 33. I was there on day 30. So it could just need another day or two. Or it could stop developing. It’s been two days behind the entire time, so I’m choosing to believe right now that it is a fighter and it just needs those two days to catch up.

My wise and amazing friend said to me yesterday that if that second soul is meant to join our family, he or she will continue to grow. And if not, I still have one healthy baby with a heartbeat, and I will have a slightly easier pregnancy without the risks of a twin pregnancy. I love both of my babies already, so one not making it will definitely be a blow. But she is right. Whatever is meant to be, will be. I want whatever outcome leads to a healthy pregnancy and delivery, and I’m going to leave it right there. The universe can work out the rest.

On Monday, we travel to New York to meet Dr. Braverman for the first time. He will do an ultrasound and look at blood flow to the uterus. I will be 6 weeks and 4 days at that time, so if the smaller twin’s heart is going to beat, it will have started by then. At least we won’t have to wait very long for answers.

I am beyond grateful to be pregnant. Beyond. I am thrilled we saw a heartbeat. I still can hardly believe it. But I’m scared. So scared. Every second of every day. Will I bleed again? Do I have some weird pelvic infection that’s hurting my baby/ies? Will the smaller twin make it? Will we go to our ultrasound on Monday and find out we lost everything? I’ve been so scared that I couldn’t even bring myself to blog about it. I’ve been hiding. Cowering, really.

But I refuse to keep doing this to myself. I don’t want to deprive myself of the joy of being pregnant. So I am determined to climb my way out of this one.

After our first ultrasound I said to Tim. “I don’t even know how to feel.”

Tim said, “You should feel happy. All our dreams are coming true.”

And that right there is what I need to focus on. One day at a time.

I can do this.

84 thoughts on “I Will Not Let Fear Win

  1. You can do it! I know you can. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have one baby thriving and the other falling behind. You want to be pragmatic but if the smaller one doesn’t make it it is still a loss for you even with one growing well. I don’t know if I’m expressing it well at all. It must bring such a conflict of emotions for you. Anyway my heart goes out to you on this one. Like early pregnancy after IF isn’t hard enough but to have bleeding plus the twin stress, it is so traumatic. I think you are doing great. Hope Dr B has some answers for you re the burning. Any morning sickness started yet or you doing OK? Xxx

    1. You are expressing it perfectly! And yes, definitely morning sickness has started. It’s like all-day nausea that peaks in the evening. I’ve always heard that streroids masks pregnancy nausea, so I’m scared to see what I’d be feeling like without them!

  2. I totally understand the fear but I will be over here full of faith hope and happy news as you continue to battle through the fears and to see you little soul or souls grow. I am so happy to be your friend so I can feel so much happiness for you it is almost like it is happening to me!! Xoxoxo

  3. Xx Oh Tanya, I’m so very happy and scared for you, but STILL your #1 cheerleader. I have a pretty good idea of what you’re feeling right now and it sucks, but this time is your time. It is. You’re getting your prize or two for having gone through ALL this shit for the last few odd years. Your stars have aligned. Don’t bother buying a lottery ticket, because your winnings will come around…May or June, and will of the be adorable, slimy, and crying variety (my bet is still female for at least one). As for the frustrating infection /unexplained stuff going on down there, are you on any probiotics right now? If not it might be a good idea, especially if you’ve been on antibiotics. I’m surprised the antibiotics you took didn’t clear up the bv.

    1. I love this comment! You are the best cheerleader a girl could ask for. And yeah, I am on probiotics — they are part of the supplement list from Braverman. Braverman says the burning is just pregnancy? So I guess I’ll just go with that for now!

  4. Praying for you and so happy that you got your long-deserved babies! And I know it’s super corny, but I’ve had that awful song “Don’t Stop Believing” stuck in my head all day… You’re welcome for now putting it in yours too. But seriously, don’t.stop.believing. 🙂

  5. So many happy tears, friend! Keeping you in my thoughts this weekend that you be covered in peace soon. Yay for heartbeat! Hope the second one joins in! 🙂 🙂

  6. You’ve been on my mind so much the past week. I’ve been wondering, worrying a little and hoping a whole lot. I feel as though I’m holding my breath for you. I know that fear of which you “speak” so so so well. I love your commitment to do the one day at a time thing but honestly I found that impossible to maintain 24/7 so I’m giving you a pass for any moments in which the fear seizes and won’t let go for a spell. Don’t beat yourself up if or when that happens. You’re doing the best you can in trying circumstances with a terrifying history. We get it. Meanwhile I am feeling very confident you will not lose everything at your upcoming appointment with Dr. B. My gut says that is not happening. Grow embryos grow!

    1. Thank you! I’m trying to keep in mind that the fear is going to come sometimes and there’s nothing I can do about it. I CAN, however, not feed the fear by googling things like “normal fetal heart rate 6 weeks” and subsequently freaking out for days that the baby’s heart rate might be too low (that was my week last week). That kind of nonsense is completely avoidable!

      1. It was on Friday — baby A’s heart rate was up to 132 bpm, yay! Baby B had a faint fluttering, so probably not going to make it, but I guess there’s a slim chance. I am sworn off google now. I am kind developing an affection for Dr. B, I have to say. In the middle of my google freak out I emailed him for reassurance and he was really nice about it, even though he didn’t have to be. He said that 115 bpm was a very common heart rate in his practice for the second half of the sixth week. Then when I emailed him to update him after Friday’s ultrasound he was again very nice. I think you’re right that he’s kinder to the patients that stick with him. I’ll update the full deets of Monday and Friday’s scans in a few mins.

  7. Great news!! I was wondering what was happening with you! One day at a time for sure. Don’t let the fear win, a good friend of mine told me once that fear is just an illusion. I try to keep that in mind when I feel anxious. Big hugs ❤

  8. Ohhh I have been thinking of you so much lately, it’s great to see an update although it does bring with it mixed emotions. Take it day by day and your lovely friend is right, if things are meant to be they will but for now we have to celebrate the small wins. Congratulations lovely. Finally everything is falling into place for all of the right people xx

  9. This is so exciting. It took me about halfway through to realize it was twins! Dr. Braverman sounds amazing; I’m sure he’ll be able to give you great counsel. Just take it a day at a time if you can. Grow, babies, grow!

    1. Thanks, Molly! Dr. Braverman is pretty amazing. It was cool to meet him last week. Looks like twin B will probably not make it, but is still hanging in for now. The limbo continues!

  10. Oh girl I have been waiting on pins and needles for this update!! You inspire me and bring so much hope to my own journey! I’m so proud of you for all the healing work you’ve done to enter this cycle and how, even when you have your moments of fear (you’re human, it’s normal!), overall you’re in a beautiful head space regarding your babies! YOUR BABIES!!!! Ohh my heart ❤ You and your sweet babies are in my thoughts and prayers, lovely. I am sending them both love and light and cheering them on to grow grow grow so they can enter this world and be blessed to be a part of such a beautiful and loving family! Good luck at your appointment with Dr. Braverman. Take it one step at a time and trust in your ability and your babies ability. Remember, they love and want you just as much as you love and want them! xoxo

    1. Oh my gosh, this was the sweetest comment ever! Thank you so much for your support and your kind words. I love the thought about the babies loving and wanting me just as much as I want them. 🙂

  11. I’m thrilled for you! I’ve thought of you and wondered about your silence a few times recently and this is just fabulous news. And I, like lots of the gang cheering you along here, have every sympathy with your fears. I’ve found my self saying a lot lately that “this pregnancy has really only been 20 weeks” because it took me to halfway to stop telling myself that I musn’t get too attached in case the bleeding won. One Day at a Time is the perfect mindset, when you can keep hold of it, because you’re pregnant and doing the amazing job of growing life and you deserve peace and serenity and the utmost gentleness while you do that. Take care my friend – the best of luck and of health to you – and keep us posted 🙂 xoxo

  12. Amazing news!!!! I had a feeling something was happening 😀. I took the blogging silence to mean good things! I am very excited for you (I know it’s early days), but honestly – it is just wonderful news. The fear never goes, sadly. Only yesterday I had a crying fit, terrified that something is going to go wrong right on the home straight. You can do this!!!! Hoping all news from here on in is good xxxxx

  13. Oh wow, this is amazing news! I understand the fear, I wish I could take this away from you it is like a little cloud right. You are right though one day at a time and try to embrace the joy of pregnancy, do not let the fear take that away. You are allowed to enjoy all the little mile stones, enjoying it changes nothing but not allowing yourself to robs you of the little joys you would embrace if you had not experienced the pain the past. I am sending lots of good vibes, love, hugs and everything!!! xo 🙂

  14. Well, hello Mama! Congratulations!
    Come here and talk about the fear, we get it! Admire your attitude of leaving it to the universe. You’re pregnant and that’s that. Whatever else is a bonus. You’ll get to the point where you can let go of the fear. (Lol who am I kidding, I still had The Fear right up until Jude was in my arms)
    It’s normal.
    “Feel the fear and then do it anyway”

  15. Oh wow, what a roller coaster you have been on. I cannot believe they let your progesterone get that low. That’s… negligent. I’m so glad you were able to catch it in time. Wow.

    At any rate, CONGRATS, and I will rejoice with you, even through the fear. Praying for strong, healthy heartbeats at your next ultrasound.

    1. OMG, right? Negligent is exactly what it is. I’m still kind of in shock that they let that happen. Also, two days later I realized that they messed up my prednisone dose and I’d been taking double what I should’ve been for two weeks! Luckily, it turned out to be not a big deal, but WTF?! Hopefully only a few more weeks and then I can be done with them FOREVER. Anyway, thank you for the congrats! Xoxo.

  16. Amazing news! Congratulations! I’m so happy that things are looking so good at this point, and am hoping that baby #2 just needs those extra couple of days to catch up to his/her big sibling. If it makes you feel any better, we saw no heartbeat with our current baby at 5w5d, and then went back a week later and saw one (and it has kept pumping for 5.5 months now) — so days really do make a difference at this stage. I know you know that, but just thought I’d give you a hopeful example. 🙂

    Wow, what a roller coaster you’ve been on! I hope Dr. Braverman can sort out your pain and other symptoms, and that everything is totally boring and normal from here on out! Thanks for letting us share in your excitement. You’ve got a cheering section in Connecticut!

  17. Let me add to the list of congratulations!!! Times TWO!!!!! And let me just confirm what you are thinking is completely normal. Its about getting through each day, and each appointment. And just know that in this moment, today you are pregnant with two beautiful souls. I’m praying for safe travels, and clear and comfort mind. HE is in control. ❤

  18. I’m not really one to talk since I was plagued with fears for our entire pregnancy, but keep trying to focus your mind on the positives. Dare to feel the joy. We’re very excited for you guys and sending all the good vibes your way!

  19. I’m so incredibly happy for you. I will continue to keep both little ones in my thoughts and hope the smaller one catches up. But in the meantime… You did it. You won :). Sending you so much love!

  20. Oh my gosh this is amazing! I am so happy for you! Congratulations! And TWINS squee! That is so exciting!!! I had this weird feeling you would have happy news this cycle and then when radio silence followed your last post I just had a good feeling about it 🙂

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