All That’s Left To Do Is Let Go

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For the past two weeks, I’ve been preparing my body with blood thinners, steroids and intralipids. There is a constellation of hematomas on my abdomen, like a map of our progress, a connect-the-dots path to our baby. Right before each shot, Tim and I hug. Then we send up a silent prayer to that spirit we know we are meant to meet. I don’t know what Tim says, but mine goes a little something like this: I love you. I’m open to receive you. Please come home.

In three days, all nine of our embryos will be defrosted. They will grow and divide in their mysterious way, and if all goes well, we’ll transfer two blastocysts on Tuesday.

Five months of preparation have come down to this one day. The trips to New York, the surgery, the immune testing, the supplements, the new doctors, the shots, the procedures, the blood work, the renewed hope—all lead to Tuesday.

Am I ready for it?

Yes.

If it works, I feel prepared to navigate the challenges of pregnancy after infertility and loss. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I believe I can do it without losing my sanity. If it doesn’t work, well, of course I’ll be crushed, but I will be ok. This is one thing I now know without a doubt: I will always be ok. I will hurt, sometimes so much that I won’t want to open my eyes in the morning, but I will keep going. I will heal.

And so, one way or another, this epic quest is finally coming to a head. I’ve searched far and wide to find the answers I needed. I’ve prepped my body. I’ve prepped my mind. I truly believe I’m giving this baby the best possible chance to make its way to us.

All that’s left to do is let go. To let what is meant to be, be. There is so much sweetness in that, and so much peace.

I am ready.

64 thoughts on “All That’s Left To Do Is Let Go

  1. I am so going to use that beautiful and touching mantra. You have done everything you can. I have so much faith your baby will come home. Xo

  2. AAahhhh I love your writing. Always always always. You got this girlfriend. And those babies got this too. They all fertilised even without ICSI!! I truly believe that this post endo cycle is going to be the one for you. And aside from all that your spirit baby is supposed to be coming at the same time as my spirit baby and mine is now here so NOW is the time so we can skype with newborns in our arms. Ha ha.

    Sending you so much love for those 5 days coming up. I know you will feel nervous and that is understandable. You sound in a great place now. I am so impressed. Sending all the love xoxoxo

    1. OMG you are the best. Thank you. And you are absolutely right — our spirit babies are supposed to come here at the same time. Duh. I can’t wait for those newborn Skype sessions. It’s gonna be awesome. 🙂

  3. I *love* this post.

    About the lovenox shots… If you inject just barely beneath the surface it bruises less. Don’t worry so much if it’s perpendicular or at a much lower angle. The depth is key. You want to aim for inserting it so shallowly that you’d wonder if it’s in there at all. My OB taught me this and it made a huge difference (too bad I didn’t see him until after 23 weeks of shots!).

    I’m praying for and think g of you. Always.

    1. Ooooh, thank you for the pro tip! Awesome. You are always in my thoughts, too. I still come across some old message board posts of yours from time to time and they always make me smile. Last week I found the one where you were basically like, “I haaaaaate Dr. Braverman,” and I had a good chuckle. I so hope that I will follow in your success story footsteps. I hope you’re getting some more sleep these days. Xoxo.

      1. Did I ever tell you I more or less told him he really rubbed me the wrong way for the first while? His response made me realize he knows how he comes across at first and doesn’t really care though he does seem to care about patients who stick around. I want you to add to his positive stats my friend. I’m thinking of you all the time and sending up prayers. Go embies, go!

      1. Hi I am okay thank you, I have been feeling a lot less stressed as of lately. I have my hospital appointment tomorrow and get my test results so I expect the stress levels will rise again ha!

  4. Its so good to hear that your READY! Your READY to receive. Thats the best place to be when starting this again. Its hard to get there, but you’ve done it!! Mind body and soul. You’ve got this! That an acomplishment in itself. I’ll be praying along with the others, that Gods will be done.

  5. Best wishes to your big day!! 🙂 Can’t wait to hear how it all goes and hoping you have 2 amazing embies to transfer!!

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