Sometimes Waiting Makes Me Want To Punch A Wall

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Ok, fiiiiiine. I’ll wait then. Whatever. [image]
You think I’d be good at waiting by now. Like, I should have my masters degree in waiting. Eff that, I should have my full-on doctorate. Right? Nope, I suck at it. Admittedly, I think I am getting overall a little more patient. These last two years have taught me that I have control over nothing. But the waiting curveballs still get me. I can deal with the expected waits, but I’m no good with the sneaky ones.

When I was talking to the doctor yesterday, he said we could reschedule my surgery for next week. His exact words were, “I can do it any day you want. I can even do it on a weekend if you want.” He told me he’d call me tomorrow.

He didn’t call, but someone from scheduling emailed me and was like, “The next available appointment I have is June 25th.”

So I immediately called her and said, “Dr. Vidali told me he could get me in next week.”

And she was like, “Oh, he did? Ok, let me call him. I’ll call you back today after I work everything out.”

I didn’t hear from her. Tim called her at the end of the day to check in. He left a message. She never called back.

So who knows. Maybe next week will still work out. But we need to make childcare arrangements and hotel arrangements and work arrangements, so we kind of need to know soon.

And even if we have to wait three more weeks, it’s not like it’s the end of the world. It’s three weeks, not three years — or even three months. I need to chill. But I thought I was having surgery yesterday. And then I thought I was having it next week. And now, who knows. Not to mention part of me is wondering why I’m even rescheduling this at all after the whole disappearing power act yesterday. That sh*t was freaky. But I digress.

I still need to update you guys on the appointment I had with Dr. Vidali on Wednesday. Dr. Vidali is the surgeon who works with Dr. Braverman. He’s also a reproductive endocrinologist. Oh, and in addition to those things, he’s very charming. We had a great visit with him. I’ll post about that soon.

But for now I just want to say &@#^#*&$*&, and give a big middle finger to the waiting that surrounds every single step of this babymaking process.

Every.

Single.

Step.

51 thoughts on “Sometimes Waiting Makes Me Want To Punch A Wall

  1. Ughhhh it does totally suck. My fear of miscarriage is more based on the fact it took over a year to even get pregnant again after my last one, and who knows how many kazillion doctors visits and different people I’ve spread my legs for. It’s fucking exhausting. I want a baby so badly, but I don’t think I could ever repeat my last year of effort. I hope you get that call very soon.

    1. It’s totally fucking exhausting. That’s exactly how I felt about my December miscarriage. I was like, Are you kidding me? It took over a year to get pregnant again only to miscarry again? Bulllllshit! This whole deal is BS. We clearly got the crap end of the deal. And I know it will all be worth it when we’re holding our babies and blah, blah, blah. But sometimes, UGH. Just ugh.

      1. Indeed. The only real good thing that has come out of this shit is meeting others who share in our pain. And we’ve learned how far we can push ourselves. Ughhhh.

  2. And we wonder why we look back and say, “wow, we’ve already been trying for xx amount of years! Where does the time go?” We know exactly where it goes. It gets lost in the land of waiting!

  3. So frustrating that you are getting mixed signals re the rescheduling from his office. Really shit. I am impressed you haven’t lost it at anyone to be honest xx

    1. I may lose it tomorrow. I NEED to know by tomorrow. I’ve been obsessing about it all weekend, instead of just enjoying my weekend knowing there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I’m a #hotmess Speaking of hashtags, are you on Instagram? If so, I must follow. I’m @besterwood.

      1. Oh yes I am. I’ll follow you and you will see me come up. You can find me on Facey too.

        As for the surgery…can’t believe you STILL. DON’T. KNOW. I would be a #hotmess too sunshine. Fark. Be your mess. Embrace it. And pray for that call. xx

    1. Thank you, friend! Would you say the adoption waiting is worse or better than the fertility waiting? I keep thinking that adoption is going to suck until you get your profile up, and then once that happens you have a long wait, but you KNOW you’re going to have a long wait so you can just get on with your life in the meantime. But I think I might be being delusional. Am I way off base with that one?

      1. They both suck! 🙂
        The big differences for us has been:
        – adoption process waiting is long. It’s not 2 weeks. It’s waiting in unknown amount of times, then rushing to do whatever strange thing you’ve been asked to do, and then waiting again. It’s a pain in the butt. The only good thing is that when we are asked to submit more stuff we feel like we are doing something and that’s pretty awesome.
        – adoption waiting – like real waiting – I have no idea what that will be like. I think it will be hard because there is no chance that we can influence the speed of it – it could be 1 month of 36 months. We have no idea. As for getting on with life – we are already struggling with the idea of going out of cell phone service this summer when we go camping – we don’t want to miss a call. So, it’s kind of just a different type of living – we drink, we laugh, we do whatever we want, but we also know that at some point we will get a life changing phone call. I’m not sure how we are supposed to live through that – I’ll let you know when/if we figure out how to. 🙂
        – adoption will end well, eventually. Pregnancy, at least for us, would not. This means there is hope with adoption. A new type of hope that we never had before and that is an amazing feeling. We know that eventually we will have our child, and that’s an amazing feeling.

  4. So frustrating!!!!!! I think I would have had a sense of humour failure with the clinic – well done for staying calm. Everything about ttc is waiting. Everything. I think it’s the thing I hate the most about the whole process.

    1. Haha “sense of humor failure.” If I don’t hear by Monday, that may just happen. I think waiting might be my least favorite thing about this process as well, and there’s a lot of things I don’t like about the process!

  5. How delightful that Dr. V adds charm to Dr. B’s ego! 😉 Dr. B has been emailing to check in on me despite me not badgering him with questions so he may move into endearing in his acquired-taste kind of way soon in my books. You will have to email me your impressions when you meet him in person sometime. 😉

    I am a terrible waiter too. Patience is not MY virtue so I’m with you on the exasperation front. I hope scheduling gets resolved and this frustration all gets forgotten soon enough. Isn’t Vidali the name of one of the circus animals in Madagascar 3? I love that movie… Okay, I’ll stop with the non sequiturs!

    1. Yes! Dr. V is definitely the good cop to Dr. B’s bad cop. He says things like, “I keep telling Jeff these business cards are crap and the logo is embarrassing,” all in this uber-charming Italian accent. Even Tim, who never gets enamored by doctors, was totally into him. It probably helped that Dr. V had an iWatch and Tim is a hopeless Apple geek — the two bonded over that from minute one.

      And arg, yes, I’m hoping Judy comes through for me Monday. She promised to call me on Friday, but alas. She was so nice, though, so I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she’s still trying to work out some details and that’s why she didn’t call back.

      I’ve never seen Madagascar 3! You think Lettie would dig it? She gets scared at pretty much anything. Are there any potentially scary parts in it?

      1. The logo meaning the egg being swarmed by sperm? Uh. Yeah. Hee hee.

        Madagascar 3 has become my favourite of the 3. There are some intense action shots and an evil animal control officer voiced (fabulously) by Frances McDormand who’s nasty but on the whole I wouldn’t call it scary. And of course Vitaly the tiger is a little overbearing in a couple of scenes but only to Alex the lion. Did the first Madagascar scare her? If she wasn’t scared of that I think you should be good. I’m a terrible gauge because the MT isn’t scared of much at all even though if he doesn’t want to watch something in a given moment he says “I don’t like that one. Too scary.”

      2. Wait till you go to the Long Island office. The staff have been redecorating since last summer. Very LI chic. Dr. B obviously lets them run that show. Maybe they chose the logo too? His website used to rub me the wrong way – he needs a good marketing consultant to help him rebrand. But then we’d all pay even more so I’m good with the kitsch for now!

  6. That just sucks! I don’t have anything else to say. I mean, part of me is like “maybe there’s a really good reason it’s being put off (like avoiding an outage)” or maybe he’s still recovering from having the lights go out on him during a procedure. But still, he shouldn’t be saying things he can’t follow through with. Although in my experience, the people who handle the schedule don’t really know what’s going on most of the time.

    1. Yeah, I’m thinking/hoping it’s just a breakdown between the doctor and scheduling. I really hope so! I will be so disappointed if the doc didn’t actually mean what he said. Fingers crossed!

  7. Ughhhhh with the waiting. It is so hard. I try so badly to enjoy each day and live in the moment but it’s not easy. Now we have decided to do a few cycles banking embryos then do PGS then transfer so I am looking at what feels like forever until I have a chance to be pregnant. Hope you are able to reschedule that surgery soon. Xo

    1. Did you change your user name or something? WP made me approve your comment as if you’ve never commented here before. I was like, “What do you mean I need to approve this? Mamajo is my girl!” Anyway, that is so exciting that you’re banking and doing PGS. What made you decide to go that route? I agree that it does seem like a long time to wait for a chance, but the payoff could be amazing!

      1. Thanks for approving me! I deleted WordPress because I was becoming really obsessed and needed a break but saved your blog of course :). We decided to do PGS because I just keep putting embryos back in with about a 30% chance of success over and over and our new RE recommended banking and PGS because then there odds of implantation are about 80%. He said he would hate for us to have another chemical or a miscarriage because a chromosomal abnormality then waste all those months waiting to start again. Plus if for some reason normal embryos don’t implant then can look for any other causes. Love following you on Instagram!

  8. Ugh, I’m sorry! I agree with you — we’re champs at handling the expected waits these days, but it’s the unexpected waits that are just the last straw. Good for you for standing up for yourself with the scheduler, and I hope they get you in really soon!

    1. I’m really hoping it gets resolved tomorrow. I am fully prepared to phone stalk. I’m nervous enough about this surgery as it is, but not even knowing WHEN it’s going to happen is messing with my head.

  9. Ugh! I would be choked too! Especially when he throws in a little “I can do it whenever you want!” Yea, middle finger this wait all you want, lady! On a positive note (only because I’m such a bad blogger friend and I’m just getting caught up)….your appointment is next week! Hang in there! xo

    1. Haha, and now that I’m finally getting around to responding to comments, the surgery has already come and gone. Funny how time always passes. I hope you’re doing ok. I’ve been thinking of you!

  10. “But for now I just want to say &@#^#*&$*&, and give a big middle finger to the waiting that surrounds every single step of this babymaking process.”

    Agreed.
    Period.

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