Ok, I tried to stay away from the blog. Tried it. I thought it would help me tone down the crazy. I can’t do it, though.
I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE.
I need you guys like the desert needs the rain. I need you like leaves need the sun. I need you like ____________ (insert cliché of choice).
The truth is, there is likely no way for me to not be crazy. Let’s face facts here. To be fair, I was feeling cool as a cucumber until this morning. I was taking my injections like a champ, listening to my hypnosis MP3 every night and not obsessing about anything (I swear). But then. There’s always a but, right?
This morning I had my first scan since starting stims. At my baseline scan a few days ago, I had 28 follicles. This is a record number of resting follicles for me. I was pumped. I was feeling pretty bad-ass—yeah, don’t mind me, that’s just my ovaries, with like a million follicles. Now, I know that baseline follicle count doesn’t really mean jack, but I was excited just the same. Surely that meant I might end up with more than two blastocysts at the end of this, right? Meh.
So anyway, I go to my appointment this morning after three days of stims and my doctor counts 12 follicles total. Wait, what? Where did the other 16 follicles go? You mean they just turned into dust and disappeared? WTF.
I asked my doctor where they all went and she said that some just don’t respond to the medication at all. So yeah, 12. I’m pretty sure that’s less than I had last time at this point. I asked her if that meant that only 12 would make it through to the end and she said it’s not a definite number, but that’s around what we’re looking at. Well, eff me. Has this ever happened to you guys—after three days of stims you had way less follicles than you started with?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be psyched to get 12 eggs at retrieval. But last time I had 16 follicles at the end and only got 10 eggs. So this is making me nervous. At my age, a little over half of my embryos will be genetically abnormal. So if I don’t end up with at least two day-five embryos, it’s not looking good for normalcy in these parts.
Another thing that’s upping my crazy factor is that I found out yesterday that I need three more root canals. They’ll have to happen in the next two weeks because I don’t want to put them off until I (please God) get pregnant. You guys, all I do is get root canals. It’s like a part time job. And who wants to get root canals while also injecting yourself every night?
Plus, hormones. HORMONES. This cycle I’m on the highest possible dose of stimulation meds that my clinic will allow. So yeah, I’m like, whoa.
But guess what? I have zero control over any of this crap. It is what it is. So really, what is my crazy accomplishing?
But yet. I’M STILL CRAZY.
I need my center back. If you find it, can you send it along to me?