Like, So Whatever

Oh hai.

I’ve started approximately 16 posts in the last two weeks, but I keep stalling out after a few paragraphs. So I figured I’d come on here and give a quick update.

After 7 weeks, my hCG is finally under 5. Woo.

I haven’t actually spoken to my doctor about the baby aspirin and Lovenox yet, but I did get a brief email from her saying that she’s on board with the hematologist’s recommendation. Despite the fact that I still have a million unanswered questions,  I’m relieved to know that she’s on team Blood Thinners.  I’m going to book an appointment with her after my hysteroscopy to go over everything.

Once my next cycle starts, I will finally get the aforementioned hysteroscopy. If all looks good there, I can proceed with IVF the cycle after that.

Ok, this post is so boring that I’m falling asleep writing it. My eyes are actually drooping for real. Yawn. Sorry, dudes.

I’m glad there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m really just feeling whatever about it all. I’m not doing so hot these days. I have good moments, even some great ones, but overall I just feel sad. I’m doing all the right things — therapy, yoga and I’ve even started attending an infertility support group — but I think no matter what you do or how hard you work, life is just going to have some rough patches.

And this is one of them.

31 thoughts on “Like, So Whatever

  1. I’m sorry that you are going through such a rough patch, your right it’s sad. It’s also frustrating and miserable sometimes too.
    I’m glad you are going through the motions with therapy and yoga, I think eventually those activities will help you move past the sadness. One day at a time.
    Oh, and great that your HCG has dropped and you have a plan going into your next cycle!
    Sending you love and wishing you peace.

    1. Thanks, friend. I think you’re right that eventually those things will help pull me out of this. I also think the end of this miserable winter will help, too — it’s sunny and going up to 45 today, and I’m feeling better already. 🙂

  2. I am so sorry girl! You are so right that life has it rough patches and I am praying that the one you are in doesn’t last too long. Hang in there! You are such a strong and courageous woman!! Xo

  3. Well I thoroughly enjoyed your snoozefest update lovely. AND what’s more, I love your new look blog. Lovely. Just lovely. It is frustrating when things move slowly. You are doing everything right so just do your best to plod along and keep seeing the joy in that beautiful little girl of yours. That first child for each of us is the little miracle. Hey, I’m going to do a blog post about this but I did a session that was combo Kineasiology (however you spell it) and acupuncture yesterday and I have been feeling so great ever since. I’m not sure if I believe in it or not (I mean, it’s weird right) but I DO feel good. x

    1. Ha, thanks! I just could not stand the sight of the old blog look anymore. After almost four years it was time for a change. And you are right about our miracle first babies. I had a great weekend with Lettie last weekend and cherished every moment. Xo.

  4. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry things are not so great at the moment. I know that feeling well. It’s good news you finally cleared the HCG from your system though – it’s the beginning of things moving on. I know the waiting is bloody awful, but you’ve got this – the time will pass no matter what you do, so stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the other xxx

    1. Yes, I am so relieved that my hCG is down! I couldn’t believe it hung on for so long. I’m feeling a little better this week, now that the sun is out and the sky isn’t raining buckets of snow anymore. Thanks for the support!

  5. Don’t apologise for one minute about your post – good things are happening for you, just in small small steps.

    This is undoubtedly the worst time – the time after a loss but before you can try again. Your body feels alien to you and uncooperative, you’re angry, sad, frustrated and without hope. Everybody else seems to be moving on, trying for babies, falling pregnant and having babies. It’s just shit. I’ve been there and it is, and i’m so sorry.

    BUT – it looks as though you may have found a cause for the loss, which is treatable. You are going to have an op which will help to see if there are any internal issues which need addressing, so you can get that sorted as well. Then you can move on to IVF, which has a great chance of giving you the baby you want so much. I know that none of this really helps at the moment, as it’s all in the future, but I just wanted to remind you as I know that the good stuff easily gets outweighed by the bad stuff at this time.

    Until then, you’re doing absolutely the right things – therapy, yoga – which will help you to feel a bit better and make you a bit stronger. You’re right, some days you will struggle, but allow yourself to feel sad, do something which will cheer you up – a favourite movie, a bath, a walk, a good cry, whatever works for you. You’ve been through a horrible experience and you’re still healing, so be kind to yourself and don’t feel bad if you feel down.

    We’re all here for you, keep plodding on sweetheart xx

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment. You are right, good things are happening — just not on the super-speedy time table that I would like. I really appreciate all of your support!

  6. I am glad your hcg is finally down! Yes, I understand the “blah” and the trying to be healthy and still feeling blue…you are not alone! I am glad you have a different plan for next time…there is hope in that. I will keep following your journey and hopefully the next few months can bring us both to a more positive place! Hugs!

  7. I totally understand the rough patches. Thanks for the update. Hopefully everything will go by quickly and you can get started with the IVF soon.

  8. Girl – you have every reason to have lots of bad moments. I’m so sorry that you are going through all this, but glad that you are close to putting this behind you (physically at least).

    1. Thank you, Caroline! I am so very happy that the physical part is over. Until that happened I was in limbo, but now I feel free to move forward and heal. Xo.

  9. Thanks for the update! I wonder if it’s good news that you’re having trouble coming up with stuff to write? I find that I’m less inspired to write blog posts when things are just sort of chugging along and I’m managing not to think about infertility/loss stuff too much. So I’m glad you’re keeping us updated and making progress, but also glad that you don’t feel like you have a lot to say about things right now!

    1. Hmmm, that’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that before. When everything is very high-stakes and dramatic, I definitely feel the urge to write more. But now that it’s basically been status quo for weeks, I’m at a loss for words.

  10. I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. But I’m glad your level is back down, and that your doctors seem aligned on blood thinners for you. Sending you hugs and wishes for strength. xxx.

  11. Sorry you are going through this. It’s not easy and it can be very draining and it sucks even more when the process seems to move so slow. I know, I am feeling that at the moment as well.
    I wish you the best!

    1. I’m so sorry that you can relate to this right now, but it is a comfort to know that I am not alone. You are right that it is so draining. I don’t know what the weather is like where you live, but spring if finally starting to show itself a little around here, and that alone makes me feel loads better.

  12. “I think no matter what you do or how hard you work, life is just going to have some rough patches.” This spoke volumes to me. Thank you and biggest hugs.

  13. Sorry I am slow seeing this, still catching up on what has been happening with everyone. You are right about the rough patches and you are doing all the right things but it just takes time. You can not hurry through the grieving process and that is what you are going through and that along side continuing on your ttc journey is a lot to handle at once. Glad to hear your HCG levels are returning to normal, getting physically back to ‘normal’ is a big deal. I am hoping you get more of those good and great days soon, embrace them when you do. Sending love and hugs. xo

    1. Thanks, friend. You are so right — as much as I would love to, I can’t rush grief. It just takes how long it takes and that’s that. It’s great to hear from you! Xo.

  14. Oh honey, I wish I could give you a huge smothering hug. I could use a good one too. A few tears would be shed. It would feel great, even if just for a moment. Glad to hear everything is progressing. I’m thinking of you lots. Xx

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