As The Ovaries Turn: IVF #2 On The Horizon

Things are moving along here in baby-making land. I had my hysteroscopy a couple of weeks ago and that went well. My doctor said that she did see a slight curve in my uterus, but neither she nor the other doctor she discussed it with felt that it was an issue. So no additional surgery needed, hooray!

I’m currently estrogen priming, which entails taking estrogen pills twice a day. This is to ensure that the follicles grow at the same rate during the stimulation phase of IVF–a greedy, over-acheiving follicle is a very bad thing indeed. Once my next cycle starts, I’ll have a day two ultrasound, and if that looks good (fingers crossed no cysts!), I’ll start injections that night. Of course, the pharmacy is being dumb (long and boring story), so I’m not altogether sure that we’ll get our medications in time, but hopefully we can borrow from our clinic if needed.

I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to blog during this next IVF. I really want to keep my head on straight, and I wonder if the blogging play-by-play last time increased my anxiety. Or maybe I would’ve been an Anxious Annie no matter what (let’s be honest). I might even take a full-on blogging break for a bit to make sure I’m feeling centered. Who knows, dudes. I’m saying all of this, but I might be back posting again tomorrow, all like “Did you guys miss me?!” I guess I just want to let you know that if I do drop off a bit, it’s not because something is wrong.

One of my teachers on this baby-making endeavor, Julia Indichova, often talks about how this journey does not need to feel like a prison sentence. It is only our perspective, she says, that makes it feel like a punishment. I think this is very wise. Some days I do feel trapped in a jail of my own making–like either I’m stuck waiting indefinitely or I have to give up completely. Some days are really, really hard. But other days, I am able to shift my thinking and see this all for what I, deep down, truly believe it to be: a great adventure. An opportunity to become more compassionate towards others, and also towards myself. A chance to get well acquainted with hope and faith.

Thankfully, today is one of those days. I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t know what will happen with the next IVF, and right this minute I don’t really care. Because right this minute I am feeling grateful. I’m thinking about the two pairs of blue eyes–one big and one little–that I get to look into each day. I’m thinking about the cold rain on my face as I left work this evening. Normally, that rain would have pissed me off, but today I was like, yes!

Because, really: how lucky I am to feel that rain. How lucky I am to hear and see. To have good, plentiful food to eat. To know deep love. How lucky I am to feel each breath–a constant rhythm, a reassurance that I am here, right now, exactly where I’m meant to be.

Support For Fellow Blogger

Yesterday fellow blogger Toni from Little Miss PMA lost her baby girl at 21 weeks. This was her second late-term pregnancy loss in one year. Just nine days ago Toni got word that the baby was absolutely perfect, and she had passed all tests with flying colors. This was supposed to be their happy-ending. If you have a moment, please stop by and offer her a kind word of support as she navigates this devastating loss.

Letter To My Little Lady: 2.5, Oh My!

You at 2.5. These are your very first pigtails.
You at 2.5. These are your very first pigtails.

Dear Little Fish,

You are 2.5 and fabulous. Well, you’re actually more like 2.75 because it took me so long to get it together enough to write this. Why can’t I get it together, you ask? Because I’m too busy having fun with you!

You’re pretty much a connoisseur of fun, and you want to play all the time. No matter what I’m doing, if you say, “Mom, do you want to play?” I have to stop and hang out with you. I cannot resist the call to play. I cannot resist pretty much anything if you’re the one asking.

After fun, talking is your most favorite thing. Like, you do not stop. Ever. You talk so much that it’s easy to forget you’re only two until you say something totally goofball like the below:

Me: Hey, Lettie, how much pizza did you eat today?
You: Four seconds.

Whoa, four seconds of pizza! I think that’s a lot?

You like to dance and shake your arms and spin like a ballerina. You’re way into ballerinas right now. Your big move is to lift one of your legs and hold it for a fraction of a second. You’re pretty proud of that one. You like Dora and Daniel Tiger and your mommy.

Yep, you are a total mama’s girl at the moment. Every morning you wake up and call me from your crib in a pathetic whine, saying, “I want my mommy, my mommy.” Trust me, I am soaking up every single moment of this because I know when you’re a teenager it’ll be a totally different story.

Mostly what I love about you at 2.5 is how full of joy you are. Everything is the most exciting thing you’ve ever done. The other day, I picked you up from school in the middle of an ice storm. It was nasty outside. My coat was soaked and every step felt slippery and treacherous. I was worried about how I was going to get you home safely. I was stressed out about some dumb thing at work. I was tired.

But when I got to your school, your whole face lit up and you said, “Your coat is wet!” like it was hands-down the coolest thing you had seen all week.

I explained to you that, yes, it was raining out, and there was ice on the ground so we had to be careful. You then turned to your friend and said in a voice full of excitement, “We’re gonna go outside and our coats are gonna get really wet! And it’s slippery!”

You were so psyched to go outside in an ice storm. You’d never seen your winter coat splotched with rain before. You’d never felt your footfalls slip and slide all the way home. You were in uncharted territory, a whole new world, and you loved every minute of it.

And when I’m with you, that’s just how it is—the world is new and wacky and nonsensical and wonderful. It’s you and me together, on an adventure that never ends.


Like, So Whatever

Oh hai.

I’ve started approximately 16 posts in the last two weeks, but I keep stalling out after a few paragraphs. So I figured I’d come on here and give a quick update.

After 7 weeks, my hCG is finally under 5. Woo.

I haven’t actually spoken to my doctor about the baby aspirin and Lovenox yet, but I did get a brief email from her saying that she’s on board with the hematologist’s recommendation. Despite the fact that I still have a million unanswered questions,  I’m relieved to know that she’s on team Blood Thinners.  I’m going to book an appointment with her after my hysteroscopy to go over everything.

Once my next cycle starts, I will finally get the aforementioned hysteroscopy. If all looks good there, I can proceed with IVF the cycle after that.

Ok, this post is so boring that I’m falling asleep writing it. My eyes are actually drooping for real. Yawn. Sorry, dudes.

I’m glad there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m really just feeling whatever about it all. I’m not doing so hot these days. I have good moments, even some great ones, but overall I just feel sad. I’m doing all the right things — therapy, yoga and I’ve even started attending an infertility support group — but I think no matter what you do or how hard you work, life is just going to have some rough patches.

And this is one of them.