Add Another Month Onto The Wait Pile

funny-animal-captions-still-waiting-bro

Guys, I’ve really been struggling this last week or so. I know I’m grieving, and I know that means ups and downs, but holy crap I just feel so down right now.

My cycle returned last night. I was all, “Hooray, I can have my day three ultrasound and schedule my hysteroscopy. Things are finally going to get started again!”

Nope.

See, the thing is that my hCG is not back at zero yet. Last week it was still at 26. So when I went to get my blood drawn this morning, the nurse said they won’t do an ultrasound or a hysteroscopy until my hCG is negative. This is not likely to happen in the next few days, as my hCG has been decreasing by half every week, so I probably have another two weeks before it’s totally down.

And apparently, even though I have a period (which, to me, clearly says my body has reset itself), I cannot proceed with any kind of tests until my hCG is at zero. Why? I have no idea. The nurse said it was protocol. I’m planning on sending my doctor an email today asking for further clarification.

Basically what this boils down to is that I’m benched from getting the hysteroscopy until my next cycle after this one. Which means I won’t be able to start IVF again for another two cycles. And that’s best-case scenario, provided that the hysteroscopy looks perfect.

That means there will be a minimum of five months between this IVF and this last. What the efffff? Almost a half a year…poof.

I’m not even sure if we are “allowed” to try on our own this month yet, since my doctor is still waiting to get some results back from my recurrent miscarriage panel. I actually know the results—they are normal (woo!), except for one slightly elevated blood-clotting test, which no one seemed concerned about. But hematology hasn’t sent her the report yet, despite my insistence that it’s time sensitive.

Stuck. That’s how I feel. Stuck in this place I don’t want to be. I want to be moving forward. Instead I continue to be in limbo.

I have no idea why the waiting is hitting me so hard, but I’m really not dealing well with it. Tim asked me last night how many IVF cycles I thought I had left in me. I told him I really couldn’t answer that question. Could I handle a few more IVFs—the estrogen priming, the injections, the retrieval and transfer? Sure! I didn’t think the actual process was bad at all. But if, say, three more rounds of IVF means two more years of waiting—waiting between cycles, waiting for a cyst to go away, waiting for hCG to go down to zero, etc.—then no. I cannot handle that.

So I don’t know. This isn’t a very tidy post. It’s just been a rough morning in a long string of really rough days. My hCG may not be at zero, but my hope sure is.

46 thoughts on “Add Another Month Onto The Wait Pile

  1. This just sucks!! I hated waiting and being benched, hated it!! There is nothing more frustrating then wanting to try, being mentally prepared to, and then being told you cannot.
    As a side note, I thought your beta had to drop below 5 for your period to return? At least that’s what I was told by my RE.
    Anyways, I’m sorry you are stuck still waiting to even start your next round. I’m frustrated for you and hoping you can at least find some peace and enjoyment while you wait.

    1. You are right, when I talked to my doctor today, she said they’re not counting this a true period because my hCH is not 5 or less. Although, it was at 11 today, so I am SO CLOSE to 5, ugh! If it’s not a period I’m not sure what the hell it is because it sure feels like one to me haha. As always, thank you for your support! Xo.

  2. I so feel your pain. I feel like the in between- the waiting is by far the hardest part. So unfair and hard. It is so hard to live in the moment and enjoy life while we wait. I hope you can find some small consolation like a big glass of wine and huge Starbucks.

    1. Right, like I know I should just be enjoying life — it’s silly to let it pass me by while I’m waiting, but I agree with you that it is very hard not to. Thanks for your continued support. I hope everything is still going well with your current cycle. I’m still sending those good thoughts your way!

      1. Thank you! We have been given small odds that this cycle will work but I am hoping for a miracle. I am not super religious or super hippie but I kind of feel like the baby/ soul I am meant to have will make it’s way when it is time. I feel like my miracle boy is meant to be my baby and I will wait for the next one I am meant to have. Not necessarily wait patiently but wait hopefully. My heart will be full of love when that baby comes. Thinking of you with all this waiting. We just want a shot don’t we??

  3. The waiting is definitely the worst part. Even if you’re trying and not falling pregnant, you feel like you’re at least in with a shot each month. I had 6 months off and it felt like forever, I’m so sorry you’re there now too xxx

    1. Right, like just having the shot somehow makes it feel a little better, even if you don’t succeed. I remember when I first heard you had to wait six months I was like, DANG that’s a long-ass time! But now it looks like I’m right behind you in that wait! But you made it through and so can I. Thanks for your support. Xo.

      1. You’re very welcome. We’re all just plodding along hoping for the best, there’s no great advice that I can give to make the waiting easier, it’s sh*t whichever way you look at it. But you will get through it, and we’re all here anytime for you. My email is tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com if you ever need me xxx

  4. Hey lady! Hang in there. I am here to help! I have had 4 miscarriages over the last two plus years and I got so many hcg tests over 13 weeks with the last one that both of my arms scarred over from giving blood. I feel your pain. My hcg actually bounced all over the place (pointing toward an ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnant). The good news is that is not your current predicament, and you know that because of the hcg tests. However, the doctors need to monitor it back to zero because, if they don’t, you can have serious health complications. For example, I could have had a Fallopian tube burst and been in the hospital (again…I had to deliver one of my children). Oh yeah, and I got periods over the 13 weeks and my hcg still went up after my periods at some points! So, although the process is unbearable, you will get through it! It’s a very good protocol. Once your levels are at zero, your body will then know it’s time to start trying again! If you don’t reach zero, which I highly doubt will be your issue, the doctors then know they can help you get rid of any tissue remaining. That would give your body the signal it’s okay to ovulate again. I hope the explanation helps. I have written about almost all of these things on my blog if you want to take another peak. Keep the faith! You are doing great. Just hang on. Xoxo

    1. I’m so sorry for your four losses. That is heartbreaking. All of this information is so helpful — thank you for sharing! I will definitely scroll back through your blog to try and find some more details.

  5. i’ve been where you are and it’s a very desperate feeling to want something so badly and have no control. it’s depressing, it’s saddening, it’s maddening. all i can really say is i have been through it all, i’ve survived it and once you finally get to the final goal, the thing you’ve longed for for for so long, you won’t even remember these days where you were so sad and full of despair. gather your strength. take all your energy and it put towards positive things. the time will pass no matter what and you WILL l get to a place where you’re gainfully moving forward. (i wish i had gotten this advice and done this more when i was in the thick of my TTC/infertility journey). everything will work out for you. it’s terrible that it’s taking it’s sweet time when you want it now but it WILL happen and when it does, all of this will be worth it xox

    1. Thank you so much. I think I might start training for a 5 mile race I that I ran last year. The race was going to be right during the next IVF, but now that it’s pushed back I’ll be free to run. Hopefully that will help pass the time a little bit.

      I went back to your blog and read your TTC timeline. I either hadn’t read it before or it had been a while and I had forgotten the details, but dang girl, you really have been through it all. I’m so happy that you’re on the other side now of it now. Can’t wait until I join you there! Xo.

  6. I’m sorry you are feeling so down! The waiting is definitely the hardest part…I think that’s a Tom Petty song too, haha. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way!

  7. I’m reading between the lines of what you are writing here, Tanya, and from my perspective even your annoyance at waiting tells me that you’ve got a lot of fight left on this front. I’m not hearing “yeah, I just don’t feel like it anymore,” but more like, “I want to get back in the ring!”. So from an outside perspective, I’d say you are mentally in the right place to try again and that’s going to help you get through the next round.

    1. Very astute, professor, very astute. 🙂 For serious, though, you are right. I am effing annoyed and I do want back in the ring. I’m ready to fight the shit out of something haha. Although, I’m exhausted, I do think there’s some sparks left. I love you, my friend!

  8. Have you happened to check out the book “The Infertility Cure”, by Radine Lewis? It may be just the thing to help your body to become as balanced/strong as possible for the next round. Good luck.

    1. I actually bought that book when I was trying to get pregnant with my daughter, and found it helpful. I cannot for the life of me find it anymore, though! I tore my house up a few months ago looking for all my infertility books and found nothing. I’ll have to take another look or maybe order it again because I really did find it useful.

  9. Ugh, waiting is definitely the hardest part in the entire process. I really hope there is some way they can make an exception for you with the HCG level, but if not, I pray that these next couple of months fly by and you are back in the thick of it soon.

    1. I talked to my doctor this evening, and even though my hCG had dropped to 11, they still said no dice on starting this month. Womp-womp. She did explain a little more about it, though, and was very sympathetic. Sometimes even just a kind ear from a medical professional helps — even if they’re not telling you what you want to hear. Thanks for the support!

  10. I’m so sorry you had crappy news. I think you’re being a bit tough on yourself: if it were a mate saying to you that they didn’t know why waiting was hitting them hard, you’d remind them heartache’s exhausting and put them to bed with a cup of tea. Good luck and take great care of yourself xx

    1. Thank you for the support. You are very right, I would be much more sympathetic to a friend than I am being towards myself. And on that note, I’m off to have some tea and go to bed!

  11. Aaargh!! Doesn’t it just drive you mad!!!!? My hcg stayed up for weeks and weeks after my mc last year in March, and I bled for 66 consecutive days (lightly). It was mindnumbingly frustrating not be able to do anything about any of it. It took 3 months before I had a normal cycle and then another 5 months of trying before I conceived again… it is just so CRAP having to deal with it all, watching life pass by, knowing you’re getting older and older and NOTHING is happening and there is seemingly NOTHING you can do about it. I really feel your frustration. The prospect of a five month wait – and the knowledge of that upfront – would be enough to drive me over the edge I think. I’m sorry – I hope your hcg drops down to zero asap and you can move on with this. How are we supposed to stay sane when we have to go through this endless, endless waiting? It’s the absolute pits, really it is :-(. xxx

    1. You are right, Rose. It is absolute CRAP! My hCG was at 11 as of yesterday afternoon, so I’m getting there, slowwwwwly. I talked to my doctor yesterday evening and feel a little better now. She explained more and was also very sympathetic and nice and tried to make me laugh. A little niceness goes a long way sometimes! Also, as I was on the phone with her, the hematologist called me. Apparently the nurse was wrong and my results were not all normal. The anticardiolipin that was slightly elevated before was now testing high, so he’s recommending baby aspirin and lovenox for the next pregnancy. So maybe we’ve found at least part of my problem? I hope so.

      1. Oh my goodness, what a mix up 😦 BUT – maybe the baby aspirin is the key? It’s a shock to find something wrong, but it might also be the beginning of a successful pregnancy. I hope it works for you – you deserve a break after everything that you’ve been through xxx

  12. I am with you on hating on the limbo. We have been trying now for 2 years, although we aren’t to the IVF stage yet. I just want to hold my baby, you know?

  13. Waiting. Ugh. It blows so bad. The waiting has been the hardest part for me too. Having things to do at least makes me feel like I’m doing something towards our goal. I didn’t cope too well after finding out we had to do a freeze all and I needed surgery again. Haven’t we waited enough? Sigh. I’m sorry you’ve endured so much heart ache, hun. I think it’s ok to lean in to your grief. My acupuncturist told me it’s better to ride the wave than try to swim against the current. I’m praying that time speeds up for you and you’re able to start again soon. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace! xo

    1. Thank you so much. I think your acupuncturist is right on with the ride the wave thing. I’m not very good about leaning into the grief, but in the end, I think it’s the only way to get through it. I’m glad that your own epic wait is finally over (or almost over anyway)!

  14. This was me about two months ago. Having to wait out cycles after a miscarriage (I’ve had 3) is so tough and I get really down as well. Its like you need the hope that comes with the two week wait to just keep you going and keep your emotions on an even keel. I hope this gives you some comfort that you are not on your own. Fingers crossed that time will fly and you will be back in the game soon x

  15. I’m so sorry you are struggling and having a really hard time right now. Waiting is the worst and I felt the same way when I had to wait – two cycles after my procedure, then another cycle while we waited for genetic testing results – I felt like all I wanted was to try again and this waiting wasn’t helping me put a baby in my arms. It’s all so very stressful and sad and burdensome. I’m sorry you are feeling it now. I just have so much hope for you though (even if you don’t, the rest of us will hope or you!), that one day after all this waiting you will be holding your healthy little babe and all of this waiting will seem like some faraway dream.

  16. Oh hon I am so sorry I missed this. I have been in hiding a bit myself. The waiting totally blows. There is no other way to put it. We always try naturally in the cycles where we don’t do assisted fertility stuff. I don’t care what the Drs say. I could get a miracle and I’m trying. I 100% agree with you about the process being not so bad. I could do stims after stims no problem. It was mostly fine. It is the transfer that kills me. I found that really emotional. And all the waiting and dicking around too. Not to mention the appts and the supplement regime. I am so sick of the supplements. I am so tempted to go off most of them and stop my appointments and have another month off and use all the extra time I now have to hit the gym and feel healthy and have a normal life and actually get to work a bit too. Anyway, sending hugs and smiles across the miles. xx

      1. Ugh. I’m not great to be honest. I’ve started this healthy living thing this week and expected to feel better but don’t. I feel overwhelmed by everything right now. What I really want to do is crawl into a cave and hide and not have to do anything.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s