Little Girl Gone

We got our genetic test results back today. The baby I miscarried was a genetically normal girl.

The nurse I talked to said that there is a very small chance that my DNA could have contaminated the results, but she thinks it’s highly unlikely in this case. She explained why, but I was too out of it to really pay attention.

A part of me wished the baby had been genetically abnormal because then at least I would have known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not meant to be.

But she was normal. She should have had a chance. Instead she is just gone.

I want to scream “Why?” at the Universe. I want to kick down trees and bust through clouds and pound my hands on the street. I want to beg and barter. I want, more than anything, for this not to be true. But it is true. We had a little girl. She was normal, she was alive. And now she is gone.

Her name is Anna Adele Best.

Anna is after my paternal grandmother and Tim’s maternal grandmother. Adele is the name of Tim’s paternal grandmother. All those grandmas are in heaven now, if such a place exists, so hopefully they can keep our Anna close and tell her how much she is loved.

The fact that this baby was a girl is hitting me just as hard as the fact that she was genetically normal. I know just what it’s like to love a little girl and it’s pretty much the best thing ever. I know exactly what I’m missing.

It makes me sad for Lettie, too. She could have had sister to share life with, a best friend, a conspirator.

My Anna. Gone from us too soon, but loved beyond measure.

I love you to the sky and back, sweet girl. I hope to someday hold you on the other side.

41 thoughts on “Little Girl Gone

  1. I am so sorry that you are facing all these emotions. The only one of ours that was genetically tested was also a little healthy girl. I took a lot of comfort in knowing that she was a girl, but knowing that she was healthy was horribly hard to accept. Knowing that if my body cooperated she would be alive has been one of the hardest things for me to accept.
    I wish you peace as you work through the flood of emotions that you are undoubtedly experiencing right now.

    1. Thank you, my friend. I actually thought of you when i found out that my baby was a healthy girl because I remembered you had miscarried one as well. And you are right, it is so hard to accept that our bodies aren’t doing what they’re meant to do. It’s just the saddest. This should not be happening to anyone. Ugh. Thank you so much for the wishes of peace.

  2. This is heartbreaking, Im so sorry you are experiencing this heartache. Her name and her soul is full of love, to the sky and back dear Anna. Sending you lots of love and postive thoughts.

    1. I know you know, but I so wish you didn’t. No one should have to go through this. I hope both of our happy endings are just around the corner. Please, please, please let it be so!

  3. To say I am so sorry does not seem enough. I had tears reading your post. Beautiful name for your little girl. Sending love and hugs your way. x

  4. I am so sorry. Your post just gave me shivers. Although my situation is not the same (5 embryo transfers and all BFN) I still feel similar in the way of it is my body destroying these embryos etc and I really feel your pain. You are such a lovely family and I just feel in my heart that you will have a positive outcome eventually. Your beautiful little girl is an angel far too soon but forever your guardian.

    1. Thank you so much. Your sweet comment brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry that you can relate to this post — none of us should ever have to go through anything this heartbreaking.

  5. I am so so sorry that you have to deal with this. We never did any testing at all on our first baby, but we did testing on the second. Which was genetically normal. And we have asked ourselves Why too. And still do ask, it just really really sucks then this happens. We never found out the sex, I was too afraid to find out. I didn’t (and still don’t) think I can deal with knowing if it was a boy or girl. Maybe one day I will but today I can’t. You are so very strong. I can’t offer any answers but you are in my thoughts.

    1. Thank you. I think you are very brave for knowing yourself well enough to know that you couldn’t handle finding out the sex at that time. Thank you so much for your thoughts an continued support.

      Total aside, but: I periodically over the last few days have thought about that you used to be an ice skater and it always makes me smile.

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