I Will Love You

Dear Embryo,

In your first hours of life, as your cells divided in silent mystery, I thought of you. I wondered if you were ok. After all, it’s not often that babies are away from their mothers in that moment of creation. Except for the other embryos around you, you were all alone, in a strange dish, in a strange lab, in an entirely new world. Yet on you went, growing like you didn’t have a single care.

I want to tell you that I think this makes you very brave.

Now that you’re finally here with me, I wonder if you will stay. From that deep place of knowing that goes beyond all anxiety and uncertainty, I believe that you will. But there are no guarantees. All we ever have, with anyone, is this minute. And this minute you are here with me, and I am here with you.

So I will love you. I will shout it from the rooftops, even if two seconds later I fall off the roof. Because that’s just it. To love someone or something without being guaranteed a certain future is brave. It’s maybe the bravest thing a person can do. And I want to be brave for you, just like you were brave for me.

Love,
Mom

IVF #1: Beta Number 3

First of all, thank you so much for all of your comments and well wishes on my last post. You guys really know how to make a girl feel loved. And guess what? I love you right back!

Today’s beta was 2760. The nurse said that was great, but of course I had to look the number up on a beta calculator after the call. Can’t leave well enough alone, obviously. I found out that the doubling time was 47 hours, which means that things have slowed down from my last doubling time of 36 hours. I’m guessing this is fine, as it’s still within the normal range, but I do wonder if it’s normal for it to slow down. Does anyone know?

I have an ultrasound scheduled on Monday. The nurse said they are just looking for a “speck” in my uterus to confirm that the pregnancy is in the right place. My doctor won’t be doing the scan, which I’m pretty bummed about (it also won’t be the Ovarian Overlord, though, phew), but I’m going to request that she does the rest of them from there on out. I’d rather wait a few extra days between scans if that means she will be there to do them.

The anxiety has been creeping in today, big time. I think the first few days I was riding the high of hearing such good news, but now that things are starting to settle I feel uneasy. I’m a little nervous about Monday’s ultrasound, but I’m even more nervous about the one that will be after that if all goes well on Monday — the ultrasound at around six weeks, the one where we may or may or may not see baby’s heartbeat. I feel sick just thinking about it. As many of you unfortunately know, it’s terrifying to be pregnant after a loss.

Mainly, what’s freaking me out is this: I’ve just realized that I am wholeheartedly invested. After letting the news digest that I am finally pregnant, I’ve quickly become attached to this baby. My baby. And to lose everything now…well again, the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

But I am just borrowing trouble at this point. Right now, everything is ok. Everything is ok! And that is what I need to keep telling myself.

One day at a time, you guys. I can do this.

IVF #1: The Results

Um, so. It worked?

IT F*CKING WORKED! I am in complete shock. I really, really can’t believe it.

I am pregnant.

I have to confess that I found this out on Saturday. I felt like such a slinker for not telling you guys right away, but I refrained for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to get a second hCG blood test (also known as a beta) to see if my numbers were rising properly. I felt like I couldn’t share anything unless I had at least a sense of what direction things were going in. The other reason is that this blog is not anonymous, so we had to tell our parents before spilling the beans to, like, everyone. This makes me really nervous, by the way — the fact that that so many of my real-life family and friends will know I’m pregnant after reading this. It’s so early. But I set out to be open about the process from the very beginning and I’m not going to stop now. Plus, I’ve shared all the bad news, so now I might as well share the good, too, right? So my sweet, real-life friends, please keep this quiet for now. Please? We probably won’t officially announce anything until at least 14 weeks. At least.

So far, everything is going well. My beta on Saturday, which was nine days past five-day transfer, was 240. Today’s beta was 960. For anyone who doesn’t know, they like to see the beta numbers double every 48 hours. My numbers had a doubling time of 36 hours, so we are good so far. I have one more blood test on Friday. Eek. This waiting in 1 – 3 day increments to find out how things are going is so dramatic.

I meant to post an update during the two week wait, but I was so convinced this cycle was out that I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t think I could handle getting “false hope” from you guys, only to have the test be negative anyway. I have very specific PMS symptoms. They start on the same day of my cycle and progress in the exact same way each time. I didn’t have these symptoms the other two times I’ve been pregnant. But this time, my PMS symptoms showed up on the exact day they usually do and progressed in the exact same way. I was wholeheartedly convinced this round didn’t work. I mean, I was 100% certain. I even had Tim convinced. I didn’t even test at home before the blood test because I only wanted to get the bad news once. This made for an amusing chat with the nurse. Here’s how the conversation went down on Saturday:

Nurse: Tanya?

Me: Yeah (said in a monotone, put-me-out-of-my-misery voice).

N: It’s positive!

M: SHUT UP!

N: It’s true.

M: SHUT UP!

N: Yes, it’s true!

M: OH MY GOD! I was certain it was negative! I feel like I’m dreaming right now!

N: Well, you better pinch yourself because it’s real.

Thank you so much to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers throughout this process. I could feel them. I really could. Please keep them coming, as we aren’t out of the woods yet, not even close. I don’t think I could have made it through IVF without your support. Ok, I might have made it, but it would have been sincerely crappy without you there pulling for me.

And to all of you amazing bloggers who are still waiting and still trying, please know that I think about you all of the time. I tell stories about you to my husband. I think of you as my friends, even though I’ve never met you in real life. I am hoping for you with everything I’ve got. I want to give a special shout out to myrainbowdream and g2the4thpower who are still awaiting the results of their recent IVFs, as well as to Mother-Blogger, who just found out she is pregnant through IVF after seven years of trying!

So here I sit. Pregnant. I have a long, long, looooooong way to go. But today I am pregnant.

And today is awesome.