In Loss Limbo


It is New Year’s Eve, a time of new beginnings. Yet here I am, in the middle of a long, slow ending. As you know, my baby has died. There is no longer a heartbeat. On Monday, the ultrasound showed that the embryo had “deteriorated.” All signs point to goodbye, so long, see you on the other side. But my body won’t let go.

I’ve had no bleeding since last Wednesday night. As of Monday, my hcg was still rising and my progesterone was sky high.

On the one hand, I am grateful to my body for holding on. I’m grateful that it wants to fight for this. I truly am. Body, you are a rock star. But I also just want this part, the physical part, to be over.

There are three options when you have a miscarriage: wait for things to happen naturally, take a pill called Cytotec to induce contractions, or get a surgical procedure called a D & C or D & E. I had a D & C last time. It was completely fine — some cramping, some spotting, that’s it. This time, I am worried about about the risks of the procedure, which include scarring to the uterus. I really don’t need another thing hampering my fertility. And the miscarriage pill? No way, Jose. That scares me. I’ve read many horror stories, some of which say it’s like labor or the worst pain ever felt. I’ll save labor for live babies, thank you very much. And why, when I’m already in so much emotional pain, would I want to add excruciating physical pain to the mix?

So really, what I want is for this to happen naturally. But I also don’t want to wait forever. Carrying around a dead baby is, well, very sad. To this end, I’ve scheduled a D & C for Tuesday. Due to my hemming and hawing, and my clinic’s holiday schedule, they really couldn’t get me in any earlier. I am fine with that. It gives my body almost two weeks from finding out about the loss to do its thing. If there are no signs of letting go by then, I think I will just need to move on at that point.

My doctor has been on vacation since Christmas Eve. She returns on January 5th and we have an appointment to talk to her that day. I’ll ask her about the risks of the D & C then. If she seems concerned, I’ll suck it up and take the freaking Cytotec.

Fun fact: if I miscarry tomorrow, it will end up being a grand tour. Get pregnant on Thanksgiving, find out the baby is gone on Christmas and miscarry on New Year’s Day. A holiday trifecta, people! And yes, I am kind of laughing as I write this part, because it’s both funny and not funny at all.

While I wait for all of this to go down, I’ve been attempting to eat away my problems. I’ve thrown my no-gluten, no-dairy rule to the wind. I’d really like to be drinking my face off as well, but I’m still feeling nauseous, so alcohol isn’t really in the cards. After almost a week of this, I am, not shockingly, feeling physically awful, so it’s probably time to get back on the horse. Fiiiiine.

What do I long for this coming year?


That’s it. I’ll keep it simple. I want this to be a year filled with hope.

And I do feel hope. Even now. Right in the center of my aching heart, I feel it. I now know that IVF can work for us. That’s huge. Sure, IVF contributed to the embryo implanting all askew this time, possibly causing the miscarriage. But that doesn’t mean it will happen like that the next time. Nothing is certain, which means anything is possible.

So here we go: 2015. May it be a hopeful new year. For all of us.

54 thoughts on “In Loss Limbo

  1. I have had 2 D&C surgeries, and have been told I cannot have a third one as the risks are too high after 2. But, if the risks were lower I would absolutely choose that again, it was by far the easiest of the options. I hate the cytotec pills, truly hate them, but I am the “rare” person that they don’t work properly for. I have written about all my experienced on my blog if you want to read more, if you haven’t already.
    I wish you the best whatever you end up doing, it’s never easy… I always feel so much better once the physical miscarriage is over, and I hope you do to.
    Lots of love to you. May 2015 be kinder to you, you sure deserve it!

    1. Yes, I definitely want to read more about your cytotec/D & C experiences. When you have a second, could you give me links to those posts? I’m not sure where/how far back I need to go to look for them. Thank you!

      1. Thank you, this was so helpful. I read your posts and also the ones you recommended. My doctor seemed very nonchalant about the risks of another D & C, even after I listed my fears, so we are going to go that route.

      1. I am. In February. The mini or soft ivf cycle. Fingers crossed for both of us this year!

      2. Ooooh, I don’t know anything about mini IVF, but that sounds exciting! Why did you decide to go that route? Good luck to you in February. I hope you’ll post about it so I can follow your journey.

      3. I will definitely post about it- but probably towards the end. I try to stay zen about the whole process/ follicles growing etc and not read into anything until I know if we have any embryos. Keeps me same. Mini IVF is for people with DOR ( me) and it uses a more natural drug regimen in hope it yields fewer eggs but less quality. Last time they pumped me full of the max and I only got three eggs of poor quality. Worth a shot! Xo

  2. This sucks, and I hope you’re able to miscarry naturally before your appointment so you don’t have to worry about anything more. I have high hopes for you my dear. Your body was given a shitty chance to prove it’s worthy of giving you another child. It will happen for you again really soon, I can feel it. Hell, the stars are aligning for us to be cycle buddies again! A tiny flicker of a silver lining. Be well sweetie. Fuck the diet. Do what makes you feel good. Happy, healthy, and fertile 2015! Xoxox

    1. Thanks, girl. The effing d & c was pushed back til Thursday, so I guess my body has 2 more days. At this point I just want it to be over, though. I WISH we could be cycle buddies again! Found out today though that I’m out until at least March, so you will hopefully be pregs by then! All this waiting, I just can’t.

      1. Don’t we love this waiting bull shit?! We may end up being IVF cycle buddies again if this IUI doesn’t pan out. I’ll post about it very soon. I have the choice of doing ivf next month only (freaking too late in my ending cycle to do ivf next cycle (this month), or doing iui this cycle, then if unsuccessful doing ivf again in March. Decision pending. Many other factors coming into play at this point though.

  3. The fact that you can see some hope in this dark time is truly inspiring. I hope there are babies for us all this year. I really really do. And I hope your body kicks into gear before the dreaded Tuesday appt. Thinking of you xx

      1. OMG so long. How frustrating. 😦 Sending you lots of positive thoughts and virtual hugs to get you through this crappy time. Because it is a super crappy time. Ugh

  4. Keeping you in my thoughts…. and also keeping hope in my heart for you in 2015.
    For what it is worth, I have now had two D&E’s. I know they are not the same procedure as a D&C, but none of my doctors brought up any major concerns about future pregnancies when I had the second. They said I should still be able to carry a pregnancy to term in the future. Of course, that was barring any unforeseen complications with the procedure (which there were none.)

    1. Thanks for sharing that experience. I asked my doctor today and she said there is pretty much no difference between a D & C and a D & E, which I thought was interesting. She also didn’t seem concerned about me having two in a row, so that’s good!

  5. I came to your blog just now to tell you that you’ve been on my mind and I am thinking of you often (with a very heavy heart). Low and behold, I see this new post from you and now feel compelled to dedicate my thoughts of you to reinstating hope for your future. Please know you are in my heart and mind and there I am planting seeds from which I am willing a deep-rooted Hope Tree to grow.

  6. Bless you, im so sorry for all of this. Ive had two miscarriages where i had to wait for it to happen and its so tough, you just want it all to be over. Really hoping that it can be over soon for you so you can start to get your body and mind back and heal properly xx

  7. If this helps, my first miscarriage was an early one like yours, and I had my miscarriage at home naturally. We found out that our baby died at 6 weeks, but I didn’t have the miscarriage physically until a few weeks later (I think it was two weeks). Sometimes our bodies just don’t get the memo, but I like your perspective of it. Our bodies are rockstars, even in the midst of miscarriage. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. There’s nothing I can say but this sucks.

  8. “Nothing is certain which means everything is possible”
    I absolutely love that!
    My blog is about picking myself up after 2 miscarriages 7 weeks a part …One Missed Miscarriage (the limbo was horrendous …in the end i had a D&C) and one Ectopic pregnancy and right fallopian tube removal!
    I hope for hope too, for both myself and you!
    I look forward to you future posts!
    MsCarry On x

  9. The waiting is horrible isn’t it? I think if your HCG is still rising, then a D&C might well be the best option – you could be in for weeks and weeks of waiting otherwise, which isn’t going to help anything. It’s so sad that our bodies don’t recognise these things faster. I have the same fears of the procedure, so understand where you are coming from. Hope is everything at this point. I know it’s been faint hope that has kept me going through the worst of the worst. And in a way that’s good, because without hope, things would be very bleak indeed. xxxxx

  10. My dear friend,

    I visited your blog hoping to catch up on happy news. I’ve been thinking of you. My heart is heavy for you reading this deeply sad news. Your resilience and hopefulness defies logic. You’re an inspiration. You’re always in my thoughts, even more so during these darker days. 2015 needs to be your year. Pulling for you, girl. Love and hugs to you, T and L. Your babies are safe in your mama’s arms in heaven. Xoxoxo

  11. Oh I’m so sad for you.
    I’d love to hear an update. I think we all would. We are all here for you, thinking of you, praying for you.
    WIshing you the best for 2015

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