Another Miscarriage or The Worst Christmas Ever

On Christmas Eve night I woke up with more bleeding. I had also developed some pain in my lower right side. I called the doctor’s office around 7 am on Christmas morning. We weren’t sure what to do. Should we start stockings and presents, knowing that the doctor might ask me to come in? They didn’t end up calling me back for an hour and a half, so we did start. What should have been an amazing Christmas morning with Lettie was tempered by the waiting and the pain in my side.

When they eventually called, they told me to come in. So we left Lettie with her grandparents and went. The whole time we were driving the 45 minutes to get there, I felt terrible for leaving her. Who on earth leaves their kid at Christmas? I looked out the window at the sunny sky and bare tree branches and felt like an asshole. I tried to talk to my embryo. Thump, thump, I thought at it, in an attempt to encourage a strong, beating heart.

The doctor’s office was a ghost town. There was one receptionist, one nurse and one doctor. The doctor did the ultrasound and said the blood clot had grown to twice its size. And the embryo no longer had a heartbeat. He looked for that heartbeat…and looked and looked. But it wasn’t there. The embryo had actually grown the right amount since the last ultrasound, but its heart had given up. The doctor was sorry, the nurse was sorry. Even the receptionist looked like she was about to cry. No one wants to give that news on Christmas morning.

The doctor said the baby might pass on its own or it might not. If I haven’t started bleeding before Monday, I’ll go back there and we can discuss a D & C. I haven’t had a bit of blood since Wednesday night, not even spotting.  I’m still having every pregnancy symptom, including morning sickness. My body, it seems, is trying to hang onto this one. My mind understands — I don’t want to let it go, either.

Now I am faced with the fact that not only do I have trouble getting pregnant, but I also have trouble staying pregnant. The doctor is going to run the panel of tests for recurrent miscarriage. I am praying that we get some answers, but I also have to be realistic and accept that we might not. I can’t help but wonder if Lettie was just a miraculous fluke. Like, maybe the Universe was saying, “Ok, her mom is dying, so we’ll let this one baby slide through for her, just this once.” Trust me,  I am grateful for that fluke every single day, but I’m starting to wonder if another one is just not meant to be.

So here I sit, entering yet another season of grief. There’s been a lot of that these last two and a half years — one mom and two babies. I feel like I know exactly what to expect now. There are those first few weeks of crushing sadness, of hiding in random bathrooms to cry in private. Then there are the months of feeling that you’re carrying a weight on your back because you just can’t shake the heartbreak. It might not be crushing anymore, but it is always there. Then, finally, acceptance and hope. So yeah, I know the drill. But I hate this fucking drill. I will go through it again, though, because I have no other choice.

Sleep in heavenly peace, my little love.

77 thoughts on “Another Miscarriage or The Worst Christmas Ever

  1. I hate that drill too, and I hate that you are so familiar with it. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that at all, especially on Christmas. I am sending you all my favorite strange angels, to comfort you and tell everyone cheery to fuck off. Love, love, love to you.

  2. Im so very sorry. I can only empathise as ive not suffered a MC bit have lost a child. My heart aches for you, its so bloody unfair. Im sending as much strength as i can muster. I will think of you and your angel playing with my angel xxx

    1. Thank you. Life should be more fair, right? I was telling my friend the other day that each person should get an allotment of heartache and once you’ve met you quota, you’re good for the rest of your life.

  3. Oh Tanya I’m so so so sorry!!! I’m hurting for you big time. This shit it rough. So fucking rough. I can totally relate to how you feel about it all. Big, tear-filled hugs to you! Xoxox

  4. Oh girl. I’m so sorry. Praying you feel the Lord’s presence during this time. He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

  5. I’m so very sorry Tanya. There’s nothing I can say to help but I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know you are strong and will get through it. I’m always here if you need to talk. Love you!

  6. Ah, friend. I’m pained to hear this. Especially since you know the drill. Since there are no words let me say “fuck, fuck, fucking fuck”… and a double helping of fuck. That’s just awful. All I can offer is a nyc hug from me and a few pups. Ugh. Just ugh.

  7. I’m so sorry. I know that words don’t help in situations like this but I just wanted to send you virtual hugs to let you know that I am thinking of you and your beautiful family. Life just isn’t fair xx

  8. Oh god – just logged in to catch up. I am so sorry for you, and for your daughter and husband. I’m just so sorry. I have tears in my eyes reading this because I *know* that feeling so well. And at Christmas – no one deserves this. I know nothing I can say can make even the slightest difference, but know that I know that pain and that I am so, so sorry :’-( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. I hate that you are going through this again and I hate that I have no words to comfort you. I feel totally gutted for you, I only know the pain I felt last Christmas losing my little one and you have been through this a second time 😦 My baby was still with me for a while too and I didn’t want him to leave even though I knew he had already ‘gone’. I send you love and hugs from across the pond. I hope you find the strength through the love of your husband and Lettie to get through this. xx

      1. 😦 It is so weird know they are still there isn’t it. Have you stopped your progesterone? Only asking as nothing really happened till I did. I hope that things do happen soon, as I know getting things physically back to normal helps us cope emotionally. xx

      2. Yeah, I took my last progesterone on 12/25. As of 12/29 my HCG was still rising. 😦 I have a D & C scheduled for Tuesday. Fingers crossing it happens before then because the thought of another D & C makes me nervous. That miscarriage pill, Cytotec, scares me even worse, though! I’ve heard horror stories about that.

  10. Ugh. No no no no no. It is times like these the universe really shits me. How is this fair? Anyway, this isn’t helpful to you. I’m sure you’ve already thought all these thoughts yourself. Those thoughts you have about Lettie being a fluke? I’ve had those about my no 1 baby too. But then I think about my friend who had to try IVF so many times to get her first baby…and then so many times again to get her second baby. If I am saying that we aren’t “meant” to have more than I’m saying that applies to her too and I just don’t believe it is true for any of us. Our babies will come. Who the hell knows why we have to face such trials to get them but we will. Thinking of you and sending you lots of healing love and peace and hugs xxx

  11. I’m so incredibly sorry, hun! My heart has been so heavy for you. It’s all so fucking unfair! You’ll continue to be in my prayers. For strength, peace and courage. Your journey isn’t over. Your miracle is coming, I’m certain of it. In the meantime, be angry, mad, etc. Let it all out. It fucking sucks! Sending you warm hugs!

    1. Total delayed response, but thank you. I really needed to read “Your miracle is coming, I’m certain of it” today. Thanks for keep the faith for me when I am struggling to keep it for myself.

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