And The Scares Keep Getting Scarier…

Last night I woke up at 2 am. My underwear was soaked in bright red blood.

That’s it, I thought. I’m losing this baby. I stared at the ceiling all night. I took a shower. I cried.

This morning I called my doctor and went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that the baby was still there, measuring on track for 6 weeks and 3 days. It was still situated off to the side. There was a heartbeat present, but it took her a minute to find it and I could barely see it. I remember my first ultrasound with Lettie at 6 weeks and 4 days — I saw a beautiful, strong beating heart immediately. I could see it very clearly. This looked different. It looked sluggish. My doc didn’t tell me how fast it was beating, but when I asked her if it looked slow she said yes, but that the heartbeat often starts out slow. It didn’t look great to me, but I am not a doctor.

The doctor told me she spotted a blood clot in the uterus and that’s what was causing the bleeding. She said I could expect more bleeding in the next few days.

The blood clot on its own does not spell certain doom, but she said that women who bleed in the first trimester are more likely to have a miscarriage. She said, “I’m not going to pretend I’m not concerned. I wish I could tell you what will happen either way, but I can’t. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to wait it out and cross your fingers.”

So I guess we will see. I haven’t really had any more bleeding so far, but my abdomen is sore. I go back on Monday for another scan. My doctor will be on vacation and of course the dreaded Ovarian Overlord will be on duty that day. He’s probably the last person on earth I want to get bad news from, so hopefully there won’t be any.

This baby just keeps getting things stacked against it. I hope he or she is a fighter. But honestly, I am afraid to even hope anymore.

I need a Christmas miracle.

47 thoughts on “And The Scares Keep Getting Scarier…

  1. Hello Tanya, I am very familiar with bleeding the first trimester! I bled both bright red and black including clots, during which my doctor put me on strick bed rest ( total of 14 weeks on disability) I know that’s not what you want to hear but we survived it. It also had nothing to do with Christian’s autism or health problems. My doctor told me that it is more common in older mothers. Call me if you want to ask questions!!! Sending prayers and God’s grace, Lisa

    1. Lisa, thank you for sharing your experience. I do remember Aunt Susie telling me then that you were likely having a miscarriage and I remember feeling so sad for you. But lo and behold, you have a beautiful little boy now. I love you!

  2. I’m sorry things are so scary right now. I had a huge bleed at 7w3d and it was just awful. Really praying you will get good news soon, all this limbo is so horrible xxx

      1. Yes, I did! It was on my 8 year wedding anniversary as well. I was NOT happy about it! I just couldn’t imagine it would be okay with so much bleeding with clots. Seemed doomed, but they said it was a haematoma. I had spotting for a long time after but it was all okay. Really hoping for your Christmas miracle xxxx

  3. I am sorry you are going through this right now. And I am wishing you strength through this time, every thing will be ok. If you have time or want to read the below blog, she has gone through a similar thing with her donor embryo, after years of infertility she finally found herself pregnant but her first trimester experienced blood clots and it was awful but she is happily still pregnant.

    Hope you find some peace and rest

  4. I am so sorry that you are facing the prospect of uncertainty, particularly through the holiday season. I am hoping that you will pass the clot and the baby will continue to grow and improve everyday. Sending you love and wishing you peace and many moments of happiness over the next few days as you wait.

    1. Thanks, my friend. Today, I am making a conscious decision to choose hope instead of fear. I’ll probably be making the decision every 5 freaking minutes, but I’m going to try and stick to it! Xo.

  5. I had a bleed when I was farther along than you are now. My doctor told me to save any clots I passed, if I could. I was convinced one was the baby. But he is right now feeding and bathing Lettie. Please hope!

  6. Is hate how even after a well thought out and planned for pregnancy, this journey of uncertainty and fright continues. I will be sending as much positive energy to you and your little one as i can muster, truly hopes this turns around for you!

    1. I agree with you, it’s total BS. Any infertile should automatically get a free pass for the entirety of pregnancy. But alas, it’s not the case, so we just need to keep on keeping on. Thank you so much for the support!

  7. oh my goodness, i am so sorry to read this post and know that you are going through this right now. i am certainly hoping for the best for you and this little baby. good luck at your next ultrasound.

  8. Sending positive vibes your way. Very scary, but glad to see some similar stories with positive outcomes so keep hopeful! thinking of you. x

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