The Reset Button

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Last week, our family traveled to Vermont. For me, it might have been one of the most-needed vacations ever. The weeks leading up to our trip were filled with fertility treatments, dental visits (seriously, people, they never end) and just a general sense of family unease. Tim and I were fighting. I felt distant from Lettie. We needed a place to start fresh. Vermont, as always, delivered.

The air is crisper there, even in the summer. There’s nothing to see but green and green and more green. Our dog Beaker ran around off-leash like a wild runt.

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Lettie played in the grass, dipped her toes in mountain ponds, checked out salamanders and frogs, and explored like a champ.

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At times, it felt like there was no one else in the state but the three of us. And I liked it that way.

We hiked.

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And hiked.

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And then hiked some more.

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We went out to breakfast.

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And dinner.

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And walked through quaint towns.

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It was a perfect week. In such a serene setting, it was easy to give myself permission to put my worries aside. To not think about the future. To appreciate my family just as it is now. It’s easy to get caught up in fertility treatments and the possibility of future babies. Scary easy. I am thankful that we got this time to breathe and regroup.

This morning, we found out that our fourth and final IUI did not work. Now we take a month off. After that, it’s time to pull out the big guns and head on over to IVF Town.

I’m scared—not really of the needles or the meds or the bajillion monitoring appointments. I’m mostly scared because IVF is the final frontier. After that, there’s pretty much nowhere else to go in terms of fertility treatments. It’s the last stop.

I’m also grateful. Grateful to science and doctors and insurance for even giving us the chance to walk down this road. For whatever reason, it appears that IVF is meant to be part of my life’s journey, and I want to accept that with grace and compassion.

I feel blessed that, before things get really crazy, we had this week to reconnect as a family. I’m telling you, Vermont is like a salve to the soul. If you haven’t been had the chance to bask in its majesty yet, jump in the car and get thee to the Green Mountains!

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15 thoughts on “The Reset Button

  1. What a beautiful way to destress. So sorry about the IUI. I was kind of holding my breath. You are so echoing Peggy in this – you are feeling grateful, you are feeling blessed – I guess Vermont brought you closer to her too.

    1. Thanks, Eileen. Yes, Vermont brought me closer to her, but also made me sad. She is so tied up in that place for me. I’ve been going there for 25 years, and most of those 25 have been spent with her there.

  2. I’m so glad that you took the time for this vacation. I agree, Vermont is healing. Lettie is so beautiful. So are you two! With all my love, Auntie Susie

  3. Glad you had a restful week. IF is so draining and strains everything! My situation is similar – 4 failed IUI and onto IVF. We got a BFP on thurs, amen, but still far to go! I’ll be praying that your last stop on the IF train delivers!!

    1. Woooo! I knew you were going to get a positive! Everything just seemed to be going amazingly for you this cycle…sometimes it’s just meant to be. I’m so happy for you! Thanks so much for the prayers. They are incredibly appreciated.

  4. Just popped over to your blog for the first time and read this. So sorry your IUI didn’t work out. I feel similar to you about IVF – it’s scary to reach the last resort. I secretly hope we don’t quite get to it, although we are pretty close to going down that road. I’m hoping IVF is what you need and you find a happy ending to your infertility story. I will look forward to reading about how it goes! Xx

    1. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for both of us! I hope you don’t end up needing IVF, but if you do, hopefully my IVF experience will have paved the way for you a bit by then so it won’t seem quite as scary.

  5. I was so happy to see you guys in VT. I am also so happy that this is such a special place to you because it ensures that I will hopefully get to see you year after year after year.

    1. It was so great to see you guys. You always make my heart feel happy. And yes, we will never stop coming to Vermont, so there are guaranteed visits! Next time we will head your way.

  6. I just stumbled upon your blog via a wordpress keyword search of “failed IUI”. First of all, your vacation looks amazing….and sounds so refreshing. Sounds like something we could use for sure! Your little girl is beautiful, and looks like she had a great time too. Second, I’m so sorry to hear about your failed IUI. I’m near the end of the 2ww of my 5th IUI, and it’s not looking good. I hope IVF is the answer to your prayers. I hear what you’re saying about it being the “last straw”….it would be for us too. Good luck to you. I look forward to following your journey.

    1. Thank you! I just read your last post–11 days past IUI could be too early for a positive. Don’t give up hope yet! I almost wish home pregnancy tests didn’t exist. All they seem to do is mess with my head haha. I look forward to following your journey as well!

      1. I really hope so!! LOL, yea I know what you mean. I wish I could relax during the 2ww and just take 1 test on 14dpiui, but so far it’s just not been how I function. Around 9dpiui I’m always wondering/hoping that I’m that lucky girl that will get a positive hpt, so far that has not been the case for me.

    1. Man does it ever take over–infertility is evil! If you can get away, even for a couple of days, I highly recommend it. Sometimes for me the best thing is to just forget about real life for a bit.

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