Seeing Green


I try to be super positive on this blog. I want this space to be about health and hope. But I also want to be honest. And if I’m being honest right now, I’d say that I’m having a crappy day. So this is where I’ll issue a warning: if you don’t want to read a Debbie Downer post, halt!

I’ve always been an envious person. Of all the seven deadly sins, I’ve got that one on lock. I am not at all proud of it, but there it is: my biggest fault. Now that I’m so keen to have a baby, and it hasn’t happened for me right away, I’ve been trying hard to keep this bad tendency in check. I mean, there’s always going to be someone I know who’s pregnant. And there’s always going to be someone I know who got pregnant in the first month of trying. I could drive myself straight into the nuthouse if I let myself be envious of every pregnant woman in the universe. Usually, I do a good job of containing these feelings. I am, after all, truly happy for the women I know who are having babies. And I do believe that it will happen for me too at some point.

But today, I don’t know. Blah.

A few people I’m acquainted with, in the blog world and otherwise, have had babies in the last few days. Baby extravaganza! And as I’m sharing in their excitement, I’m listening carefully to what they’re saying. Sometimes they say things like “I didn’t really know love until I held my child,” or something along those lines. A cliché, yes, but all clichés are rooted in some truth. And while I do not begrudge these new mothers their joy, I can’t help but feel envious of it. The green-eyed monster is like, oh, hello.

And if it’s at all true that one does not really know love until they’ve held their child, then where does that leave me? And where does that leave the women who can’t have children? While I’m sure none of us are loveless, are we missing out on some elemental part of life?

It’s these thoughts, my friends, that are bringing me down.

6 thoughts on “Seeing Green

  1. I hear you in so many ways- the green eyed monster thas always and continues to get to me. He is a hard one to conquer in a world that isn’t built for infertiles.

    Dont get me wrong, because obviously I am not officially a mom yet, but I really treasure that I am fortunate enough to experience the types of love in my life that doesnt come from a parent/child relationship. The deep love I have for my hubby or for my amazing friends will always be different than what I feel for a child, but no less important. Their love has gotten me to this point and I know love because of them. It will be a different kind of love with a child but not a replacement for the deep attachment and devotion I have already had the chance to experience.

    I hope you are having a better day and I hope you know you are not alone 🙂 Hugs!

  2. It’s not that we don’t know love, it’s that we have a different kind of love for a child. And I totally get what you are saying. I thought I would die when I heard my best friend’s husband tell me they were having a baby. And they knew it would cause me sadness, but what could they do? They were so happy and I was too after a little while. And it did happen for me and it will for you! Imagine a little Timmy, eyes too big for his little face, waiting for you on Hope Street. Who cares if all his little friends are older?

  3. You have an abundance of love in your life already. I totally agree with the other posts, that a child’s love is different. But it does not replace the love you have for Tim, your family and dear friends. I think the difference from the love of a child and other dear ones, is that your love for your child is unconditional and that’s it in a nutshell. Even though I never had the problem of fertility, I can feel your pain and understand the envy towards others who have already gotten pregnant and had children. I too have a lot of envy in my life right now and it is perfectly normal to feel that way. Your time will come sweetie I just know it, remember that Mrs. Rightwood is always right. Now hurry on over to Hope Street, I’ll be there waiting for you.
    Love Mom

  4. I can relate to feeling envious. I hate it, but I am still struggling with feelings of envy of everyone I know who has two parents. It’s an ugly emotion, but I think it’s also very human and so I try not to be afraid of it but to learn from it.

  5. I understand completely. When you want something so badly, it is impossible not to be jealous of others who have it. Especially those who seem to get it so easily. You are not alone. All I can tell you is that when it does happen for you, you will appreciate it so much more. Trust me on that one….

  6. on a lighter note, my daughter is a teenager right now and I don’t always ‘feel the love’ hang in there Tanya we all get visited by the ‘green eyed monster’ from time to time. It just means you’re human. A childs love and vice versa is not different then family/friendship love I believe it should all be unconditional. Make sure not to put all your energy into this enjoy your time because when a baby comes into your life it wil become very busy for awhile. Hang in there. I love you !

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