I’m not patient. Never have been.
Bonus: I’ve always been anxious, too. A really bad combo with impatience. It’s like the one-two punch of badness. Because while I’m waiting for whatever it is I’m waiting for, I can think of a million what if scenarios. A million reasons why I might not get what I want. A million reasons why I might not even deserve what I want. A million reasons to feel guilty for wanting more when I already have so much. And these thoughts can spiral on and on and on, until I barely remember what it is I’m waiting for, and why.
Logically, I’m in a good place right now. I got my period, only 33 days after the last one. That’s just shy of regular! Pretty freakin’ cool. Maybe I can finally start trying to get pregnant, for real now. I should be ecstatic. And I am.
But still. I feel those anxious, impatient thoughts creeping in, trying to throw me off my positive game. Which is why I’m writing this post. I’m attempting to stop those thoughts in their tracks.
Last week I visited my family in Nantucket. My brother and sister were there, as well as my adorable niece and nephew. Look at these two. So cute, right?
Now that I’m ready to have kids, I found myself noticing different things than the last time I saw my niece and nephew (which was way too long ago). What I noticed, mostly, is their bond with their parents. I noticed the way my sister and my niece snuggled up together without a second thought. The way my nephew and my brother laughed and played together.
And I ached for it. I wanted, so much, that closeness with a child of my own.
At the same time, I felt like a jerk for feeling that way. Why isn’t my life, the way it is now, enough? Why aren’t my wonderful husband, amazing friends and fun job enough? Why am I always wanting more? What’s up with this crazy need to go to the next thing, the next place?
I tell myself this all the time: be happy with your life because it’s great. Soon enough you will have a child and then everything will change. I would say 90% of me believes this, but then there’s that evil 10% that doubts.
That evil 10% that says, what if you don’t? What if you are never able to have a child? What will you do then, smarty pants?
And right now I’m going to say screw you, 10%. I’m going to be patient, even if it’s only for the next five minutes. I’m going to go kiss Tim and each one of my four pets. And I’m going to wait and see what happens.